I want a pimped-up casting couch for Christmas
One that's free from yucky stains and goo
Dude, that's my goal
No stinky sock with coal
I want a shiny backstage couch where actresses enroll

I want a hardened casting couch for Christmas
I don't like flaccid foam rubber and screws
It comes to deduce
When I'm on the caboose
I don't wanna be done for
Cos the back can't handle two

You can send it to Heywood Ja'Bloeme
That's my screen name - s'right!
When I start to advertise
Girls of every length and size
Will gauge my shiny new couch standing there

I want a pimped-up casting couch for Christmas
Only stallion leather's gonna do
No compromise
No signs of yesterdays
I do not like tacky sticky overlays
And that's the way my actresses like me too

Maybe a pillow for chafing butts but then
Probably most actresses have veterinarians

They'll go out on a limb
For my Swedish massage
I'll knead them there
And deed them bare
While filming a montage

I'll be calling back to Gina Tingles
That's a screen name - s'right!
Full of toys and oversized
And a beauty to my eyes
I'll grab my brand new sofa from the rear

I want a ballsy casting couch for Christmas
Not one from IKEA without screws
One for the miles
Without orifices
It needs to stand virgin marvelous-esses
Delivered by Saint Nicholaus with a Ho!