This is the story of Peter and the MILF

Each vice or character in this tale is going to be represented by a different instrument in this crummy garage rock band. For instance, the LSD will be played by the guitar. Like this. (riff from "Purple Haze")

Here's the booze, played by the organ. (Riff from "Light My Fire")

The marijuana by the electric bass. (Riff from "Smoke on the Water")

The drums will represent primal lust. (Various famous drum solos)

The MILF by the tenor saxophone. (Riff from "The Stripper")

And Peter by the lead singer (Roger Daltrey scream from "Won't Get Fooled Again")

The angry husband will be played by the distortion and feedback (Any Neil Young solo from "Arc")

Are you ready to rock? Then I shall count to four. (The following travesty should be accompanied by the appropriate music. Use your imagination. Spaces indicate music cue.)

Early one morning, Peter opened the gate and took his pool cleaning equipment
into the new customer's back yard.

On the countertop of the wet bar by the pool sat two little pills, "tabs", if you will. "Eat me, eat me" murmured the little LSD pills invitingly. Yes, Peter was in the mood to eat.

Just then, Peter noticed a large bottle of Jack Daniels. It was very glad to see an alcoholic like Peter, and invited him to partake of a nice big sip by the pool.

Feeling the buzz, the little tabs of LSD started to kick in. A little devil appeared on his left shoulder and said. "This pool cleaning job blows. What say we just take the rest of the day off here and get blasted?" The booze agreed. "Yeah, there's nobody here. Let's skinny dip!" And Peter ripped off his clothes and dived into the pool.

As the two intoxicants discussed world politics and the Grateful Dead, something caught Peter's eye. It was some grass sitting near the cat.

The grass thought, "Now I've got that dude's attention. Maybe I can join the party!" Peter obliged by getting out of the pool, rolling up a doob and taking a big drag.

"Look out!" shouted Peter to the LSD. "A big rush is about to hit!" Peter felt himself leave his body, go up a tree and look down at his nude self. "Not bad", he thought. The pot in his brain commented. "That's so gay, dude!"

Just then, Peter's primal lust came out. ("George of the Jungle" drums) It was big and angry because Peter was now out of the pool, stoned, and horny.
"You're in a bad way", said the lust. "If a MILF should come out of the house, what would you do?"

But Peter tried to ignore his lust's words. Boys like Peter aren't lucky enough to get a MILF when they need one.

No sooner had he managed to work these thoughts over his increasingly loaded brain, a big blonde MILF in a string bikini DID come out of the house!

In a twinkling.. (No, maybe not in this story), in a flash(there, that's better) the cup of Jack Daniels spilled on the deck. The pot tried to hide behind Peter's back. But no matter how hard Peter's hard peter tried to run, it couldn't escape the MILF.

She was getting nearer, nearer, reaching out with polished nails and red lips. Then she got it and with one gulp swallowed it.

And now this was how things..erstood. The pot was now balancing out the effects of the booze, and the LSD had taken a back seat so that Peter could enjoy another sort of ride. The MILF kept a hungry eye on Peter and circled round and round the "tree".

In the meantime, Peter, with a pretty major buzz, stood there on the deck by the pool watching all that was going on. He reached around, released the string bikini, and began to explore her..er..his options. One of the limbs of the MILF seemed to stretch impossibly over the deck. (That's DECK!)

Grabbing hold of whatever he could, Peter squinted at whom he was doing. The LSD had come back and given her three eyes and snakes for hair. "Knock it off!" Peter screamed in his head to the LSD. "You're ruining my concentration."

She shifted and transformed into hallucinogenic visions of Cher, Kathie Lee Gifford, and Stiflers' Mom. The MILF snapped at him, this side and that.

How that drug teased at that MILF. She went through more changes than Michael Jackson. The LSD was clever, and anything the MILF said was completely incomprehensible to him.

Meanwhile, Peter made a move or two and moving up and down, caught the MILF by the tail and pushed with all his might.

Feeling herself let go, the MILF began to jump wildly trying to cut loose.

But Peter had tied one on, and was not about to give up when he was so close.

Just then her husband came out of the house, following the MILF's yelps, and shouting as he ran.

Now Peter in full fear mode, said: "Shon't doot! Dopey and I have allbirdy
pooled the clean, and was ready to come, Er, go! Now help te make her ack binside!"

Now just imagine, just imagine the hilarity of this occasion. Peter's head in the head. Flushing and kicking him in the ass was the angry husband, yelling at the MILF. And blurring the whole ordeal was the LSD and pot in Peter's blood.

Peter's lust shook its head discontentedly. "Well, If Peter hasn't caught the clap, what now?"

And the one fatality of this sordid tale was the booze, because Peter had swallowed every drop whole!(hic!)

(Big Finish)