A SKINNY old WINO, came TOWARD me on the street
he was MUMBLIN' and STUMBLIN', with his EYES on his feet.
He WORE a red suit, that was TATTERED and torn
his EYES were sunken, face HAGGARD and worn
A dePARTMENT store Santa, well INTO his booze,
and WHO knows what THAT was on his SCUFFED-UP black shoes.

He LOOKED at me with EYES, that were BLOODSHOT and red,
DARED me to underSTAND the LIFE that he's led.
I AM the real Santa, I AIN'T no fake,
all those YEARS of givin', and not ONCE a fair shake.
FREEZIN' my BUTT off, with WAY too much work,
PARTNER skimmin' PROFITS, 'n' those LAZY ELVES shirk.

The SPC-A, said I ABUSE all my reindeer,
The AA's on my BACK 'cause I HAD me one beer.
My WIFE'S on my CASE, 'cause I STAY out ONE night !
and GANG-bangers shoot up my SLEIGH just for spite.
The TOYS are unSAFE, RALPH Nader claims,
and some PUNK wants a HOOKER or he'll SMEAR my good name.

Those RUG-rats on my lap, they FIDget and whine,
askin' FOR baby brothers, just WASTIN' my time.
and EVEN the parents, get IN on the greed
JACUZZIS and Harleys and STUFF they don't need.
My acCOUNTant says I can't, WRITE off that new LEXUS,
and the IRS NAILED me for YEARS of back TAXES............MAN !!!!!!!

State TROOPERS said I.....was DRIVING my sleigh DRUNK..
well, the HEATER was BROKE and those DAMN reindeer stunk !
and that RED-nosed FOOL, up THERE in the lead
FORMED him a union and deMANded more FEED !
The TEAMsters squeezed ME, for a PIECE of the pie
or they'd PLANT me next to HOFFA... under the 50-yard LINE !

OSHA said my WORKshop was unSAFE...got SHUT down..
? a LOAN for imPROVEments ??, the BANKERS all frowned.
My DOC said that I, could no LONGer be fat
those COOKIES would give me a BIG heart atTACK !
Chimney SOOT causes CANCER, claim EPA STA-ats
and I got sued WHEN I, FLATtened some cat.

The FAA SCREAMed, a-BOUT flight plan rules
and LEVIED a FINE, 'cause I didn't BURN OPEC's fuel
even NASA subJECTED me to an inQUEST
How'd I COVER the globe in ONE night or less ???
inVESTigated BY, the FBI ZOO, said
it was un-American, giving COMMIES gif's too.

Even APple growers JUMPED on the "SCREW Santa" train
lobbied CONGRESS 'til THEY gave,.. in to proclaim
that no LONGer would SUGar plums DANCE in your head
henceFORTH would be Washington APPLES instead !
that WASN'T my department, that STORY I'd NOT read
but they SUED for lost INcome, 'n' put a LEIN on my sled....

Well, I had eNOUGH, no more PUSHIN' me 'round
I ain't STICKIN' aROUND, I know WHEN to stay down

.....(spoken)......But you're St. NICK !!, you can't JUST QUIT !!!!! ....

he CHORTLED and CURSED,... HAWKED back and spit
and WHAT he no LONGer GAVE,.... IT rhymed with "sit" !
Let 'em FIND some other CHUMP, he SAID with a growl
and his MIND was MADE up, set FIRM in his jowl....

....I've GOT your Christmas CHEER, HANGin' right HERE !!!

so he SHUFFled aWAY, no DOUBT to a bar
he kept SHAKIN' his head, then STOPPED not too far
I'll SAY this just ONCE, .... so USE BOTH your ears...
Merry CHRISTMAS, my ASS, and to HELL with next YEAR !!

And THEN I aWOKE, it was ALL a bad dream !
shouldn't'a, MIXED pizza, beer and ice cream
I looked IN on the kids, all NESTled in their beds
as VISIONS of .... APPLES???... DANCED in their heads ???
and SOME old wino's OUTside, YELLIN' for a beer...
Merry CHRISTMAS, my ASS, and to HELL with next YEAR !!