Some people walk, and they walk like they walk
But I look a creep as I creep
It's more of a stagger than any kind of swagger
It's enough to make a grown man weep
I never go anywhere fast
I'm a man with a pain in the arse

You've either got or you haven't got.. piles
If you're walking, it stands out a mile.
A wave's not a wave if it's collapsed,
A 'roid's not a 'roid till it's prolapsed.
It either looks or it doesn't look crass.
As it dang-les and hangs out your ass-hole
If walking's a pain, so you strain (like John Wayne)
And ten yards feels like you've gone miles

You either got, or you haven't got,
Got or you haven't got,
Got or you haven't got piles


You've either got or you haven't got piles
When soft cushions seem oh, so worthwhile
That ache couldn't be more distinct, uh
With dangly bits on your sphincter
You're either in or you aren't in.. pain
As they itch like a bitch on your an..
..us
when you hit the loo, wanting to do a poo
You can not pass a thing with a smile

You either got, or you haven't got,
Got or you haven't got,
Got or you haven't got piles

You've either got, or you haven't got piles
Haemarrhoids always gets you annoyed
The jokes from the blokes down the pub'll
Say that piles are piles of trouble
You've either got, or you haven't got piles
If unlucky, they'll stand out a mile
Every time you pass gas
They're a pain in the ass
But a piledriver just ain't your style

You either got, or you haven't got,
Got or you haven't got,
Got or you haven't got piles