TEACHER – INTRODUCTION
I am a singin’ teacher of some Anglo-Saxon history
It’s not about King Arthur’s Table: that is still a mystery
I sing of kings of England who were tough an’ up for fistery
They rode upon a horse to war, their buttocks raw an’ blistery

TEACHER (C. 455 A.D.)
No Roman law, the Jutes arrive all dressed in itchy hosiery
They hate all that religion, got no need for cross or rosary
No doubt the Cantii’ll jeer ‘em, they’ve come ashore in Kent to seize
(Pause…then spoken)
Ooh, Kent to seize, Kent to seize…got it!
(Resume singing)
The Britons try to rally men coz they’ve got no intent to please

STUDENTS
The men of Kent are whacked about, the Jutes can beat ‘em up with ease
The men of Kent are hacked about, for Jutes the feat is such a breeze
Now tell us all the facts about the where an’ when, the bigger picture, please

TEACHER (C. 460 – C. 600 A.D.)
Usurpers come an’ battle for the north an’ south an’ in-between
The Ancient Britons are no match so mainly they jus’ flee the scene
Their life in tatters an’ unstable, no way left to earn a bean
Their lot is not a doddle as the Pagans are a war machine

STUDENTS
We hope your chatters go to cable, telly’s hip, we’ll all be keen
At home for class an’ dossin’ with a puff o’ ganja in-between

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TEACHER (C. 460 – 600 A.D.)
The Angles win the Midlands an’ the land is known as Mercia
Directly to the north there are the Angles of Northumbria
I’m pretty sure you’ll guess that it’s more Angles in East Anglia
The Britons of the north still have the bit we know as Cumbria

TEACHER (C. 460 – 600 A.D.)
An’ the Saxons win the rest with ease, they’re cocky an’ they puff an’ preen
The eastern one is Essex but few written docs a buff’ll glean
The western one is Wessex with the leader who is rough an’ mean
(Pause…then spoken)
Ooh, puff an’ preen, rough an’ mean…got it!
(Resume singing)
The southern one is Sussex but at times they find it tough an’ lean

STUDENTS
We think we want to send a text that you let off a guff obscene
We think we want King Alfred next, at mindin’ cake he’s duff an’ green
He’s got a battle comin’ an’ the winner puts a stiffy in the queen

TEACHER (878 A.D.)
In Wessex there is Alfred who is Great but suffers Viking woe
His men are trained to use a shield to make a wall when in a row
Up short is Guthrum, isn’t able to defeat his mighty foe
Upon the field are dead ‘uns with their eyes a feast for any crow

STUDENTS
We think your patter’s dull an’ feeble, only cool when had a blow
This is a loada twaddle an’ your singin’ is a bummer, bro

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TEACHER (878 A.D.)
Intact…but he’s a nutter: spent…a wham upon…his granite chin
Coz Guthrum knows his fight…the mauler really thought that he could win
He’s rough an’ tears the panties off the ladies…he’s one scary cat
Now if he won’t act nicely Alf will squash him…like a prairie rat

TEACHER (878 A.D.)
An’ now back home King Alfred has just laid the royal bunnery
Been done before: his youngest will be abbess in a nunnery
It’s time…now I’ve been prattling to have a test on history
(Pause…then spoken)
Ooh I say, that’s a hard-on ain’t it? History, hist…ha, ha, ha, ha…got it!
(Resume singing)
You’ll do it better if you learned it all, that’s not a mystery

STUDENTS
We’ve got to make a visit down the hall we need to take a pee
We’ve got some papers hidden in a stall we need to go an’ see
We broke into your office, took ‘em all, we even made a cup of tea

TEACHER
If you want to go to college you’ll be lucky if you get a seat
But if your dad is rich enough you’re gettin’ in though you’re a cheat
I’ve got the papers on the table all the rest were never true
I am the clever teacher and I’ve always been ahead of you

STUDENTS
You’ve got the papers on the table, wondered how you ever knew
You are the crafty sod who we thought never really had a clue