Dialogue 10


JEFF REUBEN
Kristof's right, Leo – you have no right to attack him


LEO JAY
Ah! And so speaks Jeff Reuben! Jeff Reuben? A man consumed with jealousy that I challenged and beat him for the heart of fair Princess Arwen!


[ LEO JAY AND JEFF REUBEN PREPARE FOR FISTICUFFS ]


ARWEN
(stepping forward and separating them)
Stop! the two of you – Your belligerence is ill-considered for tis another that I love.


Villagers
GASP!


ARWEN
What joy of mine to announce that my heart has become captive to that prolific TTP NJ. Michael, and I am dizzy in love with his charming ways


NJ. MICHAEL
Dubya is a monkey's butt.


DEE RANGE
Enough! Enough of your in-fighting! I fear the Lewd Submitters have already managed to rent asunder the very fabric of our glorious kingdom. We need someone who can unite us. Someone who would never pen a lewd word. Someone who we respect, and who has such hatred of smut he will rid us forever of that evil scourge.


STRAY POOCH
You speak wisely, Dee Range – and there is such a man. This man is not only a TTP, he is a master strategist, and he is pure of heart and mind. He detests smut with a passion, and he could capture and destroy the Lewd Submitters on his own. But, with volunteers to assist him, his masterful strategies will prove invincible.


STUEY POO
Oh sage Stray Pooch! Who is this man of which you speak?



SONG 11
Click on the Original Song and then its MIDI (song starts after a 12-second intro):
"My Name Is John Wellington Wells"

Parody by Stray Pooch
:
"His Name is John 'Johnny D' Smalls"


STRAY POOCH
His name is John "Johnny D" Smalls
He's a writer who likes curtain calls.
He'll seldom use curses
in clever-filled verses
(Well, now and then "witches" or "balls.")
If you want a proud show to get "fixed"
(Or you just want a song about hicks)
You have only to call on the good "Doctor Hall"
Class of 1776!

He's a first-rate perveyor of ditties
And for raising a "posthumon's" shade
With effects that are silly or witty
There's no better pen in the trade.

Smut-filters, he knows the ways of 'em
With such knowledge he never gets burned
He tells all the prudes they can shove 'em (We love 'im!)
And brings us uncensored returns!

For he can parody, villain or charity
Homeland security, falsified purity
Heroic histories, musical mysteries
Halloween Rhapsodies, or colonoscopies,
or colonoscopies.

With matches so magical, porno-puns tragical
Pacing spectacular, humor Star Trek-ular
Tracts gastronomical, flatulence comical
And, if you want it, he
Takes a production and spoofs it in quantity
O-h-h-h-h-h-h-h,

If any one's looking for kicks.
You'll find some spectacular tricks!
You have only to call on the good "Doctor Hall"
Class of 1776!

He can raise you throngs of dongs
(And that without erectors)
And geeky herds of nerds
And crabby, cackling spectres
He can tell the truth - or spoof
The monsters we've all feared, and
He can bramage dains with pains
Or sing you a song of Cir-dan.

Then, he can speculate, on choosing flounder bait
He can make fun of hate, tell how to masturbate,
Sing of chicks who inflate, or techniques to fellate,
Or if he feels sedate
He begs his lover to brand him and flagellate.

But in totality his rationality
Has the morality of all mortality
Showing his malady, spoofing all validly,
Such are his talents, he
Isn't the man to be mired in a fallacy
O-h-h-h-h-h-h-h,

His name is John "Johnny D" Smalls
He's a writer who likes curtain calls.
Nobody here curses
His pleasured-filled verses
(Though prob'ly he gets kinky calls.)
If any one's looking for kicks.
You'll find some spectacular tricks!
You have only to call on the good "Doctor Hall"
Class of 1776!

VILLAGERS
Hoorah! Three cheers for Major-General Johnny D Smalls!