I am a hairy mammal—no model of modern sapiens
My knuckles drag with my bucks bag; from lugging swag, great shape I’m in
If raped a gal shuts down, says pal o’ mine, quack obstetrici-an
Nope, there’s no hope; mope; I’m a dope, a wacko politici-an

From my mouth, shit; I’m out of it; my blowvations [sic] emphatical
My views are so extreme they go the range: insane to radical
To say the least I do not feast on reading of a lot o’ news
So every day, those who can pay—it’s only they who’ve sought my views

In every way I do and say bidding of those who’ve bought my views

That I can speak or even seek the clubhouse is miraculous
Folks are too kind when they unwind and I’m dubbed “louse,” “mere sack of pus”
In short, in matters sapiens, I ain’t made it past simian
I fling my turds, barely use words; the House is letting chimps be in

In short, in matters sapiens, I’m a schmuck stuck sub-simian
You’ve heard my words, they’re for the birds; the House is letting chimps be in

Some say my brain is hard terrain, but such mocks are unfair to rocks
I cannot grok that when I talk. . .schlock crock chock-full of paradox
I change my views each day anew—it ain’t that any crap you missed
I am so full of blatant bull, I should be labeled “fabulist”

Sweet chicks I tweet pix of my meat; not fixed on clothes, I’m doffin’ these
I’m no cupid; I’m so stupid—but be stopping the scoffin’, please?!
The SuperPAC at my ass crack is disgorging the swag galore
They pay me more than I can store; I encore as a bagman whore

They pay me for the bills they score; that’s my chore, act as bagman whore

Like any pol, my views are all over the place, not uniform
In fantasy I’m a steepee. . .believe in wraiths and unicorns
In short, in matters sapiens, I ain’t made it past simian
Floor votes I miss; it’s come to this: the House is letting chimps be in

In short, in matters sapiens, I am a sadly dim bein’
I shriek and hiss; on Floor I piss; the House is wet from chimps peein’

As each day dawns, a new day’s cons and braying brain-fart cavilin’
Open my trap and start to yap—lies at once start unravelin’
Many have said: “non compos head atop a noxious, scary rat”
They ridicule me as a fool, but my coffers are very fat

The NRA, big bucks they pay for me to plump for gunnery
At LEAST one gun for everyone, even nuns in a nunnery
Corporations are not nations, but they’re people, hoots fat Tony
It is unions that are munificent, and their loot fattens me

Give me big bills, I’ll do big shills; I pillage and I’m slatternly

Went to college but no knowledge I gather of this century
Theocracy I’ve sought, for me Cotton Mather should mentor be
In short, in matters sapiens, I ain’t made it past simian
We waste your time, we waste your dimes; our monkeyshines: Olympian

In short, in matters sapiens, I am reverse Darwinian
But voters still, with motor skills, pulled levers and thar’s chimp me in!