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(Major-General)
I enter with a wobble: I’m a drunken major-general
I’m into boozin’ when I’m able; in a *mull: had several
I know the Queen is watching; if I fluff the lines, she’s critical
My head is gone; a show to do; I’m ‘bout to get *thersitical

(Major-General)
This musical is tainted blue: my language, diabolical
I cannot stand unaided; now look simple and quite comical
I shout to get me a beer in; I’m screaming for a shot o’ booze
(Spoken line)
Ooh, shot o’ booze, shot o’ booze…love it!
(Resume singing)
So many cheerless *mugs about; I swear I need a lot o’ brews

(Backstage Crew Members)
So many beerless *jugs about; we swear, an’ feed a lot o’ cues
So many fearless thugs about; they swear indeed; a lot o’ oohs
So many cheerless mugs about; a prayer you need; you got a lot o’ boos

(Major-General)
A sherry *pud: unbeatable; my preference is yumminess
I know to buy terrific game; no beings full of crumminess
I’ve caught an’ battered doe an’ sable; crazy meal: I’ve tried it all
I have a heavy middle an’ a *podgy *ticker: fried it all

(Backstage Crew Members)
He’s short an’ *hammered; so unable; crazy reel; we plied it all
He had a heavy *piddle; he’s a *dodgy *sicker; dried it all

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(Major-General)
I know *Her Maj is pissed at me: she *blathers how my singin’ sucks
She heard about my antics: how I party with my thing in ducks
I’m quick to pull the feathers, then to cook ‘em after the biz in ‘em
The sauce is *icky, for I never wash ‘em out: there’s *jizz in ‘em

(Major-General)
I…will *gel *unmounted *Daffy belles, and Jersey cows I’ll *boff an’ tease
I’ll *pork the Piggy Muppet; if she gives me flu I’ll cough an’ wheeze
Then I will *hump a corgi bitch, a herd of musk ox and a foal
(Spoken line)
Ooh, tender foal, end o’ foal…love it!
(Resume singing)
I’ll wriggle in some mares an’ cats; I’ll *bonk a tied moose and a mole

(Backstage Crew Members)
He’ll jiggle in some bears an’ bats; he’ll bonk a wide, loose panda hole
He’ll wiggle in some hares an’ rats; he’ll bonk a pied goose and a vole
He’ll giggle in some *mayors an’ Pats; he’ll bonk a plied Bruce and a *zander *shoal

(Major-General)
Then I will take a *boning pill to counteract a puny *horn
And *roger sev’ral wee quail, and an octopus an’ unicorn
My feet in spatters round a stable: animals are beautiful
If not awoken proper, it’s the end of being cute-iful

(Backstage Crew Members)
His meat in tatters, downed, unable: *tranny bulls are brute-iful
He got a broken *chopper; it’s the end of being *fruit-i-ful

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(Major-General)
I’m: *cracked, *un-dry, so *potty, *spent; one *hammy *con unravellin’
If I *pull *Liz: with might, my *bowser wife’ll throw a javelin
Hope much: she tears her panties off an’ chucks ‘em; I’m one loony rat
But then a blow, not nicely, “One is not that Georgie Clooney cat”

(Major-General)
With my love spurned, it’s hopeless, so I say she’s odd an’ dragon-y
Now I’m in here: *The Tower, where I’m racked, an’ boy, it’s agony
I’m fraught; they’re ever torturing; a drilly dental battery
(Spoken line)
Ooh, I say, teeth are hurtin’ a bit; battered ‘em; that ha, ha, ha, ha - stop it!
(Resume singing)
I’m now a fretter; fear, I can’t ignore; my teeth are chattery

(Backstage Crew Members)
He’s in a fetter near the *khazi door; the chains are clattery
They broke a *meta, jeered, an’ done some more; the fact was matter-y
He wanted better; beer made him a boor; he got no chat or flattery

(Major-General)
With my *willy very *mullered, no more sucky by the wench-ery
My teeth’ve been pulled out, so there’s no grinning; I’ll be denture-y
And now for “batters with the cable”; whip-sical and hurt-iful
Their game: to make me *gobble, an’ to sodomize a general

(Backstage Crew Members)
And now for spatters on the table; snip-sical and spurt-iful
Their aim: to make him hobble, an’ lobotomize a general