Prepped, primed, prone, proud in parodies to ponder puns' potenti-al,
I dipthongize, neologize. . .for rules not reverenti-al.
There's wretched excess when I delve in devices rhetorical;
Alliteration's my fixation. . .nix shtiks allegorical.

Some play at sports; for plays on words, I'm verging on fanatical.
I'm not averse to pilf'ring verse from persons--I'm piratical.
Both syntax and semantics I will savage and a lot abuse.
People peruse my puerile views; they lose consciousness, gotta snooze.

People peruse my parodies, they fall asleep and gotta snooze,
As if in thrall of valium, boosted by juice, a lotta booze.
Devoid of nuance are my tunes. . .monochromes, not a lotta hues.

Said tunes are often turgid with a certain turn of raffishness;
I've aired more than my fair share of seafarin' airs 'bout gaffin' fish.
In short, in matters metaphorical, they're nonessenti-al;
I'd rather ponder punning as I pen posts base and besti-al.

In short, in matters of manners, man, I'm not deferenti-al;
I'd rather ponder punning as I pen posts base and besti-al. . .
Proceed to post my piss-poor puns; your pain is exponenti-al.

I can't discern the difference between irony and paradox.
A pun has reared it's head I fear: two proctologists: pair o' docs.
Or homophone or homonym or homograph? I'm quizzical;
Here's wind, wind; tear, tare; tear, tier. Fear's clear: 'ppears near metaphysical.

I often bore with anaphora also with epistrophe.
My paean to peein' involves an accolade, "the piss trophy."
Syntactically, erratic me, I'm quite inclined to sin some more;
Semantically I ramble free; words ain't defined like this before.

Syntactically, semantically, somnolent me; I'm fit to snore.
I have done the OS to death; you may say, "Seen this sh*t afore!"
Canonically, moronic me, I find the world of lit a bore.

I reference Sartre, Barthes, and Barth; no bard, I am bamboozlin';
I've yet to plague the players on tunes with doin's Camusian--
Ain't tried to read his roman with the title pestilenti-al
Yet pass off parodies as par excellence existenti-al.

I pass off subpar parodies with parlance existenti-al.
Yet in "explicatin'" "La Peste," I'm bereft of credenti-al.
Wit' Wikipedia it easy be, uh, referenti-al.

I must admit that each bad bit, I thought, was known as "pabulum"--
Not apposite. . .the opposite--it's Pablum. . .parsed like pap to some.
I showed a francophone I'm no pusillanimous scaredy cat;
He blared 'bout this GS air: "Nary chest hair to dare par'dy that!"
I puffed my chest, professed: I've no pussy animus; "Merde!" he spat.

A linguist, Richard Lederer, wrote "Get Thee to a Punnery";
He penned a preface to my book; now won't brook me; he's shunnin' me.
Perhaps he reached this site and recoiled when he read my parodies.
Perhaps he'd tan my hide with Tom McCanns. . .extra wide pair o' Ds.

Perhaps he'd boot my backside with shoes extra wide, a pair o' Ds;
I'd have to turn the other cheek or not be meek and parry Ds.
(A couple reads my couplets and then drug-snuffs it--the pair ODs.)

All my literary knowledge hails from Wiley's series for "Dummies";
My emails all have smileys: I write, flail, fail, quail, wail, "More rum, please!"
I snort this matter vegetable, transformed by an alchemical
Process and then proceed posthaste to ponder puns' potenti-al.

I snort and then posthaste post waste ponderous, pestitlenti-al.
My quips quotidian don't qualify as quintessenti-al
PU's two-third ' a pun; this one's near done--that's providenti-al.

You got Prince Albert in a can? That stench is French essence-ial.*


*essence: gas