CRAPULOUS MAN:
I am quite crapulent and pinch a snort;
I get tight; food cache I spew.
I am not very good;
I blight my neighborhood,
A Cro Magnon. . .slight food chew.

Though I can relate to beer,
I demand Everclear
And I'll sift through salvaged lees.
If the beverage is ale,
I'll inhale it by the pail,
But I'll never, never sip CCs.

LAPSED AA-MEMBERS CHORUS:
"What, never?"

CM:
No, never.

CHORUS:
"What, never?"

CM:
Hardly ever.

CHORUS:
He'll hardly ever sip CCs.
So, please give three beers, a quart of port
For the tight, stewed cad who gives the Pimm's a snort.
He'll swig three beers and gorge on port
Then get crapulous and pinch a snort.

CM:
That "dew" from Brest, it satiates yet gauls [sic].

UNLAPSED CHORUS:
If he knew, he'd rue contents.
It's like excreta, this shite,
Yet he drinks it every night;
That's why the jerk's crapulent.

Vat lavage they will use
To cleanse his craw of booze;
The gent's in the emergency
Room every other day,
Occasioned by café
Rigged with jiggers swigged. . .big DTs.

CM:
That ethyl?

U. CHORUS:
No, methyl!

CM:
What, methyl?!

U. CHORUS:
Nearly lethal.

CM:
Now I've figgered why I've got DTs!

U. CHORUS:
So, please nix three beers and quarts of port
For the tight, stewed cad who gives the Pimm's a snort.
Renege on beer and quarts of port--
Force him cached in tank. . .can't pinch a snort.