Don't Call Me a Nose Picker, I'm a Nasal Archaeologist
I've dug for years and what I've found makes up a quite astounding list
Like pearls and teeth and bits a' beef, a small set from a diamond ring
One summer when we had a drought, I dug, but couldn't find a thing

An avid picker all my life, it's always been obsessional
My fingers got so talented, that I became professional
I don't work cheap and I'll admit the fees are high, yet I suppose
With service as unique as mine, for picks you should pay through the nose..

With service as unique as mine, for picks you should pay through the nose
I can supply good references, if such suggestions you propose
I quick pick Woody Allen before he goes on those TV talkin' shows

My expertise at autopsies is ranked high on the M.E. list
Because I'm so experienced, they often call me to assist
I have a set of tools I use for just such diggings delicate
Two pair of tweezers for forceps, X-acto's if I need to cut

I have a set of tools I use for just such diggings delicate
Two pair of tweezers for forceps, X-acto's if I need to cut

I office here in Hollywood and dig for big celebrities
When habits are too crude for Stars, they let my fingers handle these
I've picked for Jamie Farr, and Helen Hunt, and Lassie, (She was penned)
Before he died, Karl Malden kept me busy for a whole weekend..

Reamed Tony Bennett, also Cher before her rhinoplasty trim
Remember funny Mr. Fields? before he died, I dug for him
Pinnochio, though fictional, an archaeologistic plum
The late Jimmy Durante, too, a sniffer challenge, maximum

The late Jimmy Durante, too, a sniffer challenge, maximum
'Twas me he chose to do his nose until the day he did succumb
His passages I always cleared when he appeared at the Palladium

A lot of Stars have hired me, Rod Stewart, Barry Manilow
For them my fees are doubled, and the reason you will prob'lly know
Amazing relics can appear when excavating in a nose
From Little Jimmy Dicken's schnozz, The Bird of Paradise arose

Amazing relics can appear when excavating in a nose
From Little Jimmy Dicken's schnozz, The Bird of Paradise arose

Declined when Michael Jackson called, his beak was too far out of hand
Much overtime I tallied up when I did Barbara Streisand
If I just owned a time machine, I'd climb inside and travel back
To quickly pick Jose Ferrer, and Cyra"Nose" de Bergerac

I'd clean the hose of old "Ski Nose" I mean, of course, the Great Bob Hope
Then I would do Belushi, too...there in I'm sure I'd find some dope
I'd index jam dear Abraham before Booth guns him to the floor
And pinkie style "The Great Profile", that's what they called, John Barrymore

I'd pinkie style"The Great Profile", that's what they called John Barrymore
Sweet Drew, I too, would love to do..my fee I'd waive if I could score
Yes, Drew, I too, would love to do..my fee I'd surely waive if I could score..

I seek the best of manicures for digits fast as asteroids
There's ten of them, each is a "Ten" ..highly insured with London Lloyd's
Though I've known great success in life, one last goal I am striving for
The job of nostril maintenance for each stone face on Mount Rushmore

I pray they'll read my résumé, if not I shall be really pissed
Don't Call Me a Nose Picker, I'm a Nasal Archaeologist

Don't Call Me a Nose Picker, I'm a Nasal Archaeologist..