I’m a triple threat while show’ring
A far off Broadway kinda guy
Wet behind the ears like a newborn ham
In front of a crowd I’m dry
There’s just one other minor bit part
That’s my rubber ducky Roy
Rubber ducky loves my actin’
Loves to see me dancin’
I’m the singing shrill McCoy

I’m a screwy washed up limey
Scrubbing down when I get grimy
I sing and dance
With soapy hands
I’m a deadpan comic fo-il
Bubble baths help me unco-il
I love Mr. Bubble’s® suds
While working on my acting
I long to listen to my long refrains
I love to be the boy that sounds so goofy
As I sit and soak
I’ll be crackin’ my jokes
Joyful as can be
Anything to keep the doldrums from attacking

I got shower curtain moxie
It’s show time ev’ry, day and night
A real drain stopper with my bath program
Soap scum don’t give me stage fright
I’m no hair clog straining actor
It’s not something I enjoy
Liquid Plumber® front and center
Would you strike that scene, please!
I’m a queasy hair suit* boy

In the tub I’m Al Pachino
On the stage I’m all tomatoes
Crowds booed and booed
At my debut
Broadway had me down and beggin’
While I was a break-a-leggin’
I couldn’t move my stupid arms
I walked just like a mummy
My cousin’s cousin was the first to boo
My sister’s husband was the second to
Then my folks joined in
I was heckled, by kin
A, washed up lackey
Everyone always said that I was a dummy

I’ve no need for casting agents
It’s me, myself along with I
A one man production is what I am
In death my show will run dry
Well, I’m an understudy’s nightmare
No one dares to land the role
Irish Spring® can make me whistle
Like a red head laddy
I’m a merry little troll

* A play on the word: hirsute