YOU’VE NO BUSINESS IN SHOW BUSINESS

The actors, the stage craft, the smash hits, awards,
Directors who can turn you into stars.
The good guys, the bad guys, the beauties, the broads,
And those who simply hang around in bars.
The first night when you hope it all goes well,
And critics who will often give it hell!

You’ve no business in show business
You’ve no business you know.
Everything about you is appalling!
Everything you say is quite absurd!
Who knows how you ever got the calling
I find it galling, have you not heard…

You’ve no talent and you haven’t
A chance here on this show.
Yesterday you told us you could dance and sing
Like Fred Astaire and our old friend Bing,
Now today we find that you can’t do a thing,
So why don’t you just go!

The gangsters, the mobsters, assassins, the molls,
The cops who always seem to get their man.
The monsters, the vampires, the aliens, the trolls,
They’ll take you to the cleaners if they can.
The animals that take you for a ride,
The children who you simply can’t abide.

You’ve no business in show business
And we’ve told you it’s so.
You appear to think that you are charming,
Sweeping all the ladies off the floor.
I can tell you that it’s quite alarming
You’re only harming yourself the more.

You’ve no talent and you haven’t
A chance here on this show.
There’s no chance that you will ever make the grade,
Of that I’m certain, but I’m afraid
You still think you’re something and you’ve got it made,
But I beg you to go,
And we’ll get on with the show!