This was great! No kidding!

http://www.samharris.org/site/book_end_of_faith/

brilliant rhyme schemes throughout...bravo !

You left off the death sentence for parody writer's who make fun of ridiculous literalists. BTW, I wonder if any of them realize that neither Jesus nor any of the other folks whose words they consider "law" spoke any English...every admonition they hold as "absolute" is a translation done centuries after the fact by someone who obviously was not there to take down the statements verbatim.

DKTOS, but DGAF either. This was brilliant, with some of the funniest rhymes I've seen in a long time. 666 =)

Phil, perhaps you've run across this question or something similar on other forums: If everyone supposedly gets judged when they die (Romans 14:10-12), and 108 people die each minute on this planet, that gives ~6/10ths of a second for judgement to occur per person. How is this accomplished? Suspension of time? A ridiculously long queue line? Some kind of instant telepathy? Inquiring atheists want to know...

Well Red Ant, if one truly believes in the omniscience of god, then god already knows and one's judgement would be instantaneous. 6/10ths of a second is enough to be told PASS or FAIL.

But for a more humorous look at the process, see the movie Defending Your Life (Albert Brooks, meryl Streep, Rip Torn, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101698/).

I totally agree with you Phil, all religion is bogus. I gave up religion a long time ago. The Bible has the most ridiculous stuff in it. Do you mind if I say a line from BlackAdder Christmas Carol? "To Silly Bulls?"

While I don't agree with the statements, I can appreciate the cleverness and work that was put into this. This is top notch writing.

Thanks, all :-)

Mr And - I've recently borrowed "The God Delusion" and "The End of Faith" from my parents.. .finished the former, and trying to remember where I put the other one.

Paul - I've not spotted that bit in the bible ;-)

Red Ant - it's on YouTube... re judging, maybe everyone's judged by those who've gone before, so it's a parallel rather than serial operation? Or maybe whoever wrote Romans simply didn't have a clue and were writing more out of wishful thinking than actual knowledge? Who knows? (that last one's a rhetorical question, btw)

McK - will keep an eye out for when it gets shown on TV, thanks :-)

Dr Music - there's plenty more where this came from :-) And quoting Blackadder's always welcome... "Bob"

Tim - thank you, but... when you say you "don't agree with the statements", does this mean you don't agree with what the Bible says; that you don't agree that what I've said is what the Bible says, or that you don't agree with my ridiculing the Bible saying these things?

In that case there's more Blackadder quotes where that came off too. I can also quote MST3K if you want. My brother has a voice box that makes him sound a lot like Crow whenever he talks. Your theory on Religion is very interesting and intriging- I might have to steal it.

Well, since you asked...

For the most part it's the other statements you've included in addition to what you say is found in Scripture. On another note, Onan was performing coitus interruptus in order to continue sleeping with his sister-in-law. I'm amiss to find the reference to God saying it's ok to rape in Samuel. The Hosea reference of 9:1 does not support your sentiments here either. Can't find your reference in Samuel to dying for seeing the ark, but besides it was being in the presence of God that caused men to die. It is explained many times in the Old Testament that Israel was very much afraid of having Jehovah among them. Leaving Egypt, it was Moses and appointed judges, later it became kings. Each step was further away from having to abide the laws of God. I don't know what translation you used for the Numbers reference either. That is not a proper understanding either. I don't agree with your statement concerning Zechariah either.

Probably the most poignant statement in the Old Testament comes from Exodus 20:3, "You shall have no other gods before Me." Moreover, the statement "Brush up your scripture or you'll go to Hell" is misleading at best. :-)

Well, you learn something new every day... you're absolutely right about Onan dying for pulling out. That makes it all oh, so very sensible...

I could be getting my references crossed about God saying it's OK to rape in Samuel - he certainly not so much condones as orders it in Zechariah 14:2, Numbers 31:18 and others.

Hosea 9 (New Living Translation):
For you have been unfaithful to your God,
hiring yourselves out like prostitutes

1 Samuel 6 (KJV):
19 And he smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter.

As for "You shall have no other gods before Me", surely the implication of that is that God is saying that there are other gods, you're just not allowed to worship them? (But hey... it's one I follow: I have no other gods. I just don't have this one, either.)

OK, so that reference in 1 Samuel 6 is kind of obscure and doesn't explain much about itself. It kind of matter of factly states that men were killed for looking in the ark, but doesn't say if all of them did it or anything. Plus, if they were all killed, how do we know that all of them looked in?

Even with using the New Living Translation it is clear that the Israelites were being admonished (not commended) for turning from God to worship other gods. The reference to prostitutes or whores is only used as a description of something similar. I still can't see the Zechariah nor Numbers interpretation you are finding. Zechariah does not relate God telling foreign armies to do anything it is a prophecy that it will occur.

The Scripture from Numbers is very interesting if you read the whole story. The Israelites were being ravaged by a plague and were told to burn everything and anyone who might be carrying it. The only survivors from this (on the enemy side) young girls who had not been joined with a man. This does not say that they were to be raped, it says they were not to be killed and were allowed to be kept (as slaves, most likely).

I am not saying that everything is much rosier with my understanding of the passages, but claiming that God condones rape seems to be based on strange connotations to the meanings.

I am not sure the definition of god matches what you seem to be saying, but nevertheless, the Israelites worshipped a number of neighboring countries gods, such as Asherah, Baal, and Dagon, not to mention the Egyption pantheon.

The egpytians had very interesting views. Especially when it came to mummificating dead people- they pulled the persons brains out through their noses.

Not bad, but yeah, yeah, yeah we know you're Athiest... This doesn't measure up to your American Idol Athiesm parody, so even though it's not bad, it's actually pretty good even from a person who was raised Catholic and I love a good controversial peice, but I'm getting kinda tired of the same old topic from Phil Alexander. No offense buddy.

Correction: "American Pie" parody, not "American Idol"... Had the "Amiright Idol" on my mind I guess.

(SOTM) No other book has caused as much tyranny and death in the world, except maybe "Horton Hears A Who". :) Well researched, with plenty o' nutty Noel Coward/Tom Lerher-esqe forced rhymes.

(SOTM) You totally captured the ridiculous-ity of the OS while flawlessly incorporating the equally ridiculous Literal Bible camp. "Hand-y relations" might have shot this one straight into my top 5 (parodies, not fingers).

Scripture Of The Month - Though picking up on Matty's comment I gotta wonder if you're working on your very own atheist's psalm book or something like that? ;-)

(SOTM-Aug-08)

I've read all the comments on this with much interest. One should not take the Bible literally. It is metaphoric especially in the Old Testament because the Hebrew language is one of image not logic as is the Greek. For instance, when the Bible says that man was created in God's image it actually means that man was made to operate like God, not to look like Him. I read the original King James version of scripture because it is closest to the image speak of the Hebrew language which gives me a clearer picture of what the actual meaning is of what I am reading.

And the word death in the Bible means a lot of different things. Most references to death refer to the second death - one that seperates man from God. Spiritual death references are far more prevelent in the Bible than is physical death. In the story of Lazarus it is physical death for the most part but there are still refs to spiritual death in that lesson.

Phil - I find it totally amusing on how you interpret the Word of God. I really chuckled all the way through the read because anyone who reads scripture can spin it anyway they wish to. I say to-may-toe - you say to-mah-toe.

And yes - religion was mentioned in the comments a bit. What the hell is religion? I don't do religion. I agree that more people have been killed and tortured in the name of religion than anything else I can think of. Religion is man made and therefore flawed. The problem with religion is that over the centuries the Holy Sees have bastardized the Christian ideals beyond all recognition from what it started out as. I lightly touch on this fact in two parodies I have done recently on the RC Church. There is way too much ritual in the RC Church to do anyone any good IMO. So yes Phil, there is a lot of nonsense about what and how a lot of people believe. I seek truth in the scripture and nothing more. I do not read things into it that are not there. Try reading scripture once with an open mind. I think that you are so trying to prove to yourself that God does not exist that it clouds your judgement when you study scripture. No one seems to know more about the Bible than an atheist. Be careful because one of these days you may find the shoe on the other foot.

How can you "seek truth in the scripture and nothing more" when you yourself state that it's to be read metaphorically? If it's NOT the word of God but words to be interpreted by the reader what's the point with it in the first place? Either it's the word/law of God as told 2000 years ago, OR it's the interpretation of some poor old chump from that time who was among the exclusive elite that could write a little, i.e still someone who was far less informed about the world and how it works than what you yourself are today. If it's to be read metaphorically and not the litteral words of God why not just go on without it and interpret every situation in your life by common sense and logic, since your knowledge already gives you a huge advantage over the authors of millenias ago, seems to me that would make odds better for you fr good decisions than to add in metaphorical lines while going about with your daily life and decissions.

Prophecy is what the ancient writer was privy to, not knowledge as we have today. For instance the sign of the beast on the hand and forehead. What did the prophet see? He saw a retina scanner and a palm or finger print reader - what is known today in the IT world of biometric authentication. He described what he saw in the terms that he could understand. So "metaphorically" this is how I would read what that actually meant. Thirty years ago I cound not have possibly understood this, but today since it is a reality it is so abundantly clear. The absolute 100% correctness of prophecy tells me that the Word is for real. Nostradamus and his predictions are not even close to being as accurate as what is in the scriptures.

Guy - the funny thing is, I've worked with biometrics for a decade and I'd never considered "the sign of the beast on hand and forehead" to be a prophesy of this sort of thing. Don't you think that you might just be reading in things that you want to see, not what was ever part of the original work?

Matthias - my religious parodies are still less than 5% of my total output... I'll stop writing them once religions start realizing how silly they look from the outside.

Fair enough. But how then do you explain that biblethumpers have always been able to read the prophecies and find proof that they in their here and now live in the end of times? You may not have thirty years ago, but others sure did based on other things than biometrics, and others before them, and others before them, and others before them, as long back as you can trace recorded Christian history.

Phil - It makes sense or it is some kind of bizarre coincidence like about a few hundred other things that become apparent as time moves along and man's progress expands. It is plausable, so why do you shove me off when I offer you a scientific explanation? And I can no more prove that God exists than you can prove that He does not. So please don't hijack my intelligence by indicating to me that the idea is something that is ridiculous. Do you have a better idea of how that came to be in the Bible besides someone on drugs a few millenium ago putting stylus to parchment?

To "But Guy" - I don't know who you are referring to that are preaching that we are at the end of the age or in the end times. I debunk anyone who says such things as false prophets. The Bible is clear that no one will know the hour or the day of the end. It says that it will come and one man will be working in the field and another will be sleeping in bed. I really don't think too many people worked the night shift 1700 to 2000 years ago so what was that guy doing in bed? A plausable explanation is that the prophet saw this vision and had no knowledge that the world is round and therefore all he knew is that one was asleep and the other awake. It must have seemed strange to him that a person would be sound asleep in the day time - he could not understand it so he wrote what he saw thinking it significant and therefore it needed to be preserved. So I do not explain what those Bible thumpers are able to read. I ignore them for the most part because they are incorrect if they claim to know that we are in the end times. And I never said I thought we were in the end times. I was only stating a plausable explanation for what a prophet most likely saw way back when. The Word tells us not to waste time trying to predict when the end will come. It is a waste of time and it detracts from what God wishes in service from the person who is trying to figure that out. Now that I think about it, I may know who you are talking about, or at least one of them. I remember John Hagey say once in a sermon that we are in the end times. He pulled some rabbit out of his hat and went on to explain that the generation that is on earth when Israel again becomes soverign will see the end times. I haven't been back to his church since.

This will be my last comment on this parody thread debating the scripture. This is really not the forum to discuss such material. And I have said all I need to say on the subject.

Phil - I've read your parody with a secular mind and I did give you a vote in SOTM. So you see I can read things with an open mind and be objective about it. So please give me the benefit of the doubt that I do the same thing when I read the Word of God. Have I told you that you are wrong in your beliefs? I read this as pure satire and judged it in kind. When I said I was amused at the spin it was not meant to put you down or say you were wrong. I was just amused that two people can read the same thing and get opposing viewpoints. I'm glad that we have a few things in common. IT and parody and we do each well. Peace, brother.

Great

(SOTM) I echo Matthias' sentiments - I'd really like to see a Phi Alexander parody that's not anti-religion for once. It wouldn't be so bad if your parodies didn't over-exaggerate the situation. You're making a big deal out of nothing - all those laws in the Old Testament are hardy mentioned by most Christians I know, which is almost everybody I know. I know that you can write a good not-anit-religion parody, Phil, so could you give the atheism bit a rest? I seriously felt bad when last month's entry got the gold. Guy's said pretty much anything else I could add, so I'll just stop now.

(SOTM) Oh Lord, the comments are priceless. . .I'll stay out of the fire, Phil I loved your rhyming, and well--you know my view on religion in general, very well done, but other than that, I'm staying out of this debate--religious debates never end.

I figured this would get a fun comment trail, and I wasn't let down.You did your usual great job with the subject, and I enjoyed reading!

Still at it, huh Phil? This is a bit off topic, but I'd like to say thanks for your sentiments. I've come to find that challenges strengthen faith, and you've challenged mine in the past. I remember reading a parody of yours, having a debate with you in the comments, and ultimately going to a website you referenced to discuss the matter further. The conversations and exchanges I had with you and on that website really made an impact on me and have had an influence on me for more than three years. I guess what I'm saying is, thanks for strengthening my faith, man.

This parody shows exellent structure and creativity. It also shows that you have a way with words. 555! Phil, it's like you are the artist and the world is your canvas.