(Harry Potter harpsichord music starts...which then turns into a rocking blend of the theme and "Albuquerque")

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a cupboard under the stairs on the first floor of the house at 4 Privet Drive...you know the place.

Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy!

Except of course for the undeniable fact that my foster parents treated their fat son Dudley infinitely better than they did me.

Dawww!! GAVE HIM EVERYTHING!
LEFT ME WITH NOTHING!
It was driving me crazy!

I said, "Hey, Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, why don't you treat me better?!"

And my dear uncle and aunt, they just looked at me like I was going to turn them into slugs. And they leaned right down next to me, and they said...

"SHUT UP!!!"

And then they tossed me in the cupboard and locked the door tight and fed me nothing but bread and water until I was 11 years old.

That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that house and travel to a magical, far away place, with wizards and witches and goblins and ghosts and a three-headed dog named Fluffy! Where the groundskeepers are nine-feet high, the sportsmen ride broomsticks, and anyone on the street will gladly make your mom a rat for a Galleon!

Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day, an owl flew by with a letter saying I was to go to Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! I was a wizard, who knew?! It said, "Get a wand and get on Platform nine-and-three-quarters. We'll see you on September first...

Mr. Haaaaaaaarry Potter!
Haaaaaaaarry Potter!"
Oh yeah.

You know, I'd never been on a steam train before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great...except that I had to sit with a redheaded kid who won't stop looking at my scar...and we were harassed by this female know-it-all with ratty hair...and my chocolate frog came to life and hopped out the window...and some kid's toad hopped right up my pants-leg...and, oh yeah, I learned an evil wizard's trying to kill me!

See, this wacko wizard who cannot be named came after my mother and father and me and everybody DIED...

Except for me. You know why?

Well, I really have no idea
But it does explain the lightning scar on my forehead
I have no idea
But it does explain the lightning scar on my forehead
I have no idea
But it does explain the lightning scar on my forehead

Seems his spell backfired and killed him instead and now I'm, like, cursed or something.

So we finally arrive at Hogsmeade...and the nine-foot groundskeeper Hagrid leads us to the school. And I'm draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment trunks and my phoenix-tail wand and my iron cauldron and my snow-white owl that nobody knows is called Hedwig.

But finally I arrived at the wizard-world famous Hogswart's School Main Hall where the candles are always floating! And they sorted us into houses through the use of a ratty-looking Sorting Hat. It's OK, it's clean.

Well, I could've gone to Hufflepuff, and could've gone to Ravenclaw, and I almost went to Slytheryn but I didn't think I would like very, very much, and so the hat put me in Gryffindor.

That's right, Gryffindor...

With Ron Weasley...the redhead,
Hermione Granger...the smart-ass,
And Neville Longbottom...a dumpy looking kid.

And my rival, Draco Malfoy, got inducted into Slytheryn and, just as I suspected, he takes away Neville's Rememberall and flies away on his broomstick and taunts me. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.

So, anyway, I take off on my broom and chase down Malfoy and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That thing doesn't belong to you!"

And he's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Catch it!"
And I'm like, "GULP!"

So he tossed the ball and I sped after it and it started to drop and I dove down after it and I reached out for it and I caught it in front of Professor McGonnagall's window, yes indeed, you better believe it.

She then came down a dragged me away. But, instead of expulsion, I ended up in front of a guy named Oliver Wood. And you know what McGonnagall said to him? I'll tell ya what she said!

She said, "I've got a seeker for you, youngest in a hundred years
To play a sport called Quidditch, I got your bo-o-o-o-oy right here.
I've got a seeker for you, youngest in a hundred years
To play a sport called Quidditch, I got your bo-o-o-o-oy right here...

Mr. Haaaaaaaarry Potter!
Haaaaaaaarry Potter!"

Well, to cut a long story short, I got on the Gryffindor House Quidditch team. It's a game with Quaffles and Bludgers and Chasers and Beaters and MY responsibility: catching the Golden Snitch...

It's a golf ball with wings.

But all through the year, my scar starting hurting and I got the feeling someone was trying to kill me! Ohhhh, you think I'm nuts?!

Did a jinxed broom stop me?
No, a jinxed broom didn't stop me.
Did a mountain troll stop me?
No, a mountain troll didn't stop me.
Did a snippy Potions teacher stop me?
No, a snippy Potions teacher didn't stop me!
Did the Mirror of Erised stop me?
No, the Mirror of Erised didn't stop me!
Did a creep in the forest stop me?
No, a creep in the forest didn't stop me!
Did Neville and his horny toad stop me?
No, Neville and his horny toad didn't stop me!
Did the three-headed dog Fluffy stop me?!
Uh, welllll...

All right, so Fluffy stopped me!

It seems though that the dog was guarding something
Hermione surmised that it was the Sorcerer's Stone, which makes gold and makes a potion of immortality!
Ron said, "Oh, wicked."
So we headed to Hagrid's and tell him about it, but he's busy hatching a dragon egg! And Norbert breathed fire on him. It made him crazy!

You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started coming out of his mouth. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:

"DOH! Cool me off! Cool me off! Ohhh! Get some water, some water! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, Bad Norbert! Oh, Bad Norbert! Ah, AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!"

We got caught by Malfoy and we got to spend detention in the Dark Forest with Hagrid where a unicorn-blood-sucker almost GOT me! But, as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into a kind minotaur. His name was Firenze. He was an astronomy expert who, despite never seeing me before, knows everything about me and my quest. I'll never forget the very first thing he said to Hagrid.

He said, "Hey...your beard is on fire."

That's when I knew it was You-Know-Who trying to get the Stone. So Ron, Hermione and I thought together, we ate together, we even shared notes during the Potions final when Snape wasn't looking. But my scar was burning even more! So we got an idea and we went to Hagrid and talked to him about where he got the dragon egg. The guy who gave it to him was so very, very, very happy to ditch it, oh yeah. And then, with a smile, Hagrid said to us, he said, "A little light music...and Fluffy falls right to sleep."

Then he said, "Woah! Hold on now, kids! I really shouldn't have told you THAT!"

But we were on our way to the forbidden third floor: Hermione, Ron and me...

I'm Haaaaaaaarry Potter
Haaaaaaaarry Potter

Anyway, things really started lookin' evil because, once down the trapdoor, we ran into a bunch of puzzles. That's right; we started by getting tied up in Devil's Snare! I even had to use a broomstick to get a flying key. Aw yeah, we were all pretty nervous after that. We were gettin' rather paranoid.

OK, so now, we come across these statues on this chessboard, and Ron has to play this game of wizard chess with him as a knight! After a while, I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you're not going to do what I think you are?" And Ron, he just cries and sighs and goes, "Yeah, I'm gonna sacrifice my body so you can move on!"

And he did.

And then Hermione gets all indignant on me. She's like, "Hey, man, get moving to stop Snape!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to leave my friends? But I'm not a physician, for cryin' out loud. Besides, if I didn't stop him - I'm dead meat! So away I ran!

Soooo I arrive in the chamber with the Mirror of Erised. This guy with a turban turns around and I learn it's not Snape but stuttering Professor Quirrell. Well, under his turban, and a part of him, was He Who Must Not Be...ah, hell, VOLDERMORT!

But when he grabbed me, he started yelling and screaming and burning, and I'm like, "Hey, what's the matter with you?!"

But he just keeps rolling around on the floor, just burning and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!"

You know, he was destroyed by my mother's love for me. Man, mom always takes care of you, you know?

Anyway, um...um...what else? Not much besides winning the House Cup...

Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I am ready to go back the Muggle world and...the whole time I was thinkin' at I thought...

I'LL...

SCARE...

THE DURSLEYS!

That's gonna make the summer fun!

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an serious quandary, full of loathing and self-doubt and making snake cage glass disappear on a whim because of your anger towards your nephew, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up dual world of ours, there's still a little wizard...

Named Haaaaaaaarry Potter!
Haaaaaaaarry Potter!

Harry Potter! (Harry Potter!)
Harry Potter! (Harry Potter!)
Harry Potter! (Harry Potter!)
Harry Potter! (Harry Potter!)

I said H! (H!)
A! (A!)
R-R! (R-R!)
Y! (Y!)

POTTER! (POTTER!)

(Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter)
(Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter)
(Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter)
(Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter, Harry Potter)
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...rry Potterrrrrrr!

(Wingardium Leviosa! *BOOM!*)
heh heh heh heh