As I walk to the podium to host late at night
I look at the puzzleboard's wrinkled Vanna White
But that's just perfect for an old host like me
She can still touch letters like RSTLNE
At 4:30 in the morning I grease the wheel
Sometimes I do not even have time to eat a meal
Yeah, and I've been working on this show so long
That even contestants think that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the wheel, I'm into when they win
Got a Vanna on my arm and give the Final Spin
But my spinning has a little of a nasty edge
Sometimes I keep avoiding that darn top dollar wedge

I've been spending most of my life
Living in a Sajak paradise
I never spin the wheel twice
Living in a Sajak paradise
Opinions not sacrificed
Living in a Sajak paradise
It's not Jeopardy or Price
Living in a Sajak paradise

A liberal made a nasty tweet at me last week
I just said that his politics were very weak
I really don't care, I'm still the host of Wheel
I can tweet all I want that global warming's not real
But I don't insult bad contestants, even if they deserve it
'Cause getting fired from Wheel makes me very nervous
I never turn letters, that's my Vanna's job here
And no rainbow ties now, they just give the wrong idea
Hey, if you hit a Bankrupt you may be in tears
We haven't even changed its design in thirty-five years
But you still can win big, so don't yell at the wheel
It sure beats Let's Make A Deal

We're in Sony Pictures Studios
Right across from Jeopardy
And where would you find that place?
Well, find it in Culver City

I've been spending most of my life
Living in a Sajak paradise
Three decades under the lights
Living in a Sajak paradise
Avoiding that Bankrupt slice
Living in a Sajak paradise
Helping people win a prize
Living in a Sajak paradise

Got my Wheel of Fortune, the first fidget spinner
With our pity thousand, everyone's a winner
Think I am some kind of right-wing nutjob wreck?
Well, at least I'm not too pompous, like that Alex Trebek!
I'm the longest-running non-retired game show host
There's no Barker anymore, though he's still got the record most
So don't be liberal or whiny
Or else, I might as well have to get my Vanna on your hiney

I've been spending most of my life
Living in a Sajak paradise
No need for new Vanna Whites
Living in a Sajak paradise
Puzzleboard's many lights
Living in a Sajak paradise
And we're airing all weeknights
Living in a Sajak paradise