Excuse me, but can you watch us for a while?
My friends will try but we're drinkin' swill
Chug all that you provide to us except for him at the far end
Yeah, he won't like that
Afraid he did draw the shortest straw
Up to him to drive safe, so cut back on his grog
He's gonna ask and beg and plead, but don't fill his cup
Yeah, he won't like that

The worst end to a birthday
If we're in a ditch cause we're all too schnockered
Hey, we all like to drink sometimes
But then sometimes we must avoid gettin' blitzed
Here, Brian gets no beer

Might be extra work than just givin' out shots
But I will pay you extra for skippin' shots
Send none his way so that we're not doomed
Save some shots for you
Just say you lost his Budweiser cup
You ran out of whiskey with the ones we bought
Let's say 25 bucks as a starter so you won't mess this up
I think that's fair

It would just be the worst day
If we smash our Benz into some Corolla
So a little foul play sometimes
Trickin' sometimes to then avoid all those hits
Here, Brian gets no

Beer is fine but one must stay vacant (must stay vacant)
To prevent a nasty, violent crash
Beer is fine if it's safe to get boozy (safe to get boozy)
But right now that's just nine guys out of ten
Beer is fine but the hospital's dear (it'll cost)
So if you'd please fulfil my request?
Forced sobriety, I know, worth it, trust me, trust me, trust me

So as my friends choose to intoxicate
You must focus, he cannot get shitfaced
He knows he's not s'possed to drink now but he'll still ask for cups
Kind of a moron
Just serve him some punch, I doubt he can tell
What he's drinkin' now, sense of smell's real crap
He's not really lookin' at you, well, at least not your hands
Yeah, he's a big dick

But that's why me and my mates
Rigged the shortest straw to have him pull on it
Cause the way he's acted at times
More like all times he's just the worst, absolute worst
Straight up the worst when he drinks
Here, Brian gets no beer

Help me here
Brian gets no beer
Brian gets no
Brian gets no beer