This trail's a cold one
Seems all the witnesses are keepin' mum
But the bigger issue is that the detective's dumb
An absolute fool
He's such a loser
May think he's Sherlock crossed with Luther
Ev'ry one of his deductio-ions
Are ones he can't prove, yeah

Cause he'll mistake nose-hairs for scalp-grown ones
Track down ev'ry Saab just on a hunch
Always says "I'm right, I know just what to do-o-o
Cause I'm a great sleuth"

Ignores dirt in the footprints, no reason to
Despite how much I point out it's aligned with the sole's groo-oove
He's totally convinced that he's an awesome sleuth, yeah
Never stops quotin' to me "It's elemen'try, Watson"

It won't stick in his brain
"Don't add your fingerprints to that pipe, mate"
That's the murder weapon, you jerk
You're gonna rub evidence out, huh
Actin' like Mario
The way he jumps to conclusions like so
That guy coughed once? "He's the killer!" Watch that prat go
Tackles him down, I frown

Just because you're a crime TV show buff
Don't mean you know anythin', you schmuck
Connected nine crimes though they were sep'rate, du-u-ude
You're not a great sleuth

You won't get a promotion with what you do
I don't know how you get the notion to dismiss some clue-ues
Just cause you think they're pointless, you fail as a sleuth, yeah
I'll punch you if you repeat "It's elemen'try, Watson"

Lost count of how oft your dumb ass has been sued
You keep breaking and entering in order to find clue-ues
You need a warrant, prick, no free passes for sleuths, yeah
Why'd I get stuck with this freak? "It's elemen'try" Stop it, man

Not element'ry, moron
Oh, ain't Element'ry, moron
Oh, I'm not your bloody Watson
No Basil of Baker Street (ow)
Ev'ry damn hypothesis, hey
Is ninety percent bollocks, no oh no oh
And no, you don't get credit, no no no oh
For that measly ten percent, hey no-o oh
Because you soon dismiss it, hey hey hey