Song Parodies -> "Roll The Coal"

Original Song Title:

"Roll The Bones"

Original Performer:

"Roll The Coal"

Parody Written by:

The Lyrics

There’s a thing you can do to your diesel truck engine to make it belch nice, thick, noxious clouds of black smoke, called “rolling coal,” which is an effective way to send a message to those pretentious pricks who drive their ugly little hybrid cars all over the place. Who are they to preach that we need to save the planet, when the Bible says so plainly every bit of it is here for our use?
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Well we can stake our claim
God’s Word is our goad and our glory
We obey His Laws
Do it in His Holy Name

If you don’t feel the same
The end times will soon be upon you
And when you’re left behind
Won’t you be red-faced with shame!

We’re put onto this Earth to gut its riches
Dancing in our Mani-Desti* breeches
That is what The Good Bible preaches**
Roll the coal, roll the coal

God put us here
Rise up and cheer
Roll the coal, roll the coal
Earth on a platter
No mind no matter
Roll the coal, roll the coal

Fossils, they aren’t real
God just scattered them around Earth to test us
No such thing as a “dinosaur”
Or a “walking seal”***

Well, check out that great deal
Just a buck for a gallon of diesel!
God be praised, I’m tellin’ Junior
This is such a steal!

We’re put onto this Earth to dominate it
Even if the dumb tree huggers hate it
That is what The Good Bible stated
Roll the coal, roll the coal

Well, looky here
A Prius queer
Roll the coal, roll the coal
Hey, kids, he’s chokin’
He should quit smokin’
Roll the coal, roll the coal

God put us here
Rise up and cheer
Roll the coal, roll the coal
Why aren’t you clappin’?

[instrumental interlude over audio from a Fox News story about the myth of global warming]

Mack, relax!
Don’t bother me with facts
No almanacs or drug flashbacks
No healthy snacks in those Earth-friendly packs
Maniacs!
Take a pill for panic attacks
Gag on twin smokestacks…capisce?
You must calm down
You need hashish
Or a leash
Quit bawlin’…and squallin’
It’s downright appallin’
I ain’t askeered
Cuz you scream “The sky’s fallin’!”
Cuz I hear Jesus callin’
Me to Acts
You’d better pray, pagan
Before this plaque
Of Ronald Reagan

You should chill
Take a pill
So the globe gets hot? Do a shot!
Lighten up, don’t be such a snot
With yer snitchin’
If it makes you itch
Leave the kitchen
Bible Broth is bitchin’
A Popery which
Is rich
So shut your hole
The Earth is my God-Deemed toilet bowl
So blast some Southern rock
And roll the coal
Get dizzy!

Roll the coal

Now that we’re here
Let’s have a beer
Roll the coal, roll the coal
Why aren’t we frackin’?
Get crackalackin’!
Roll the coal, roll the coal

God put us here
Rise up and cheer
Roll the coal, roll the coal
Earth on a platter
No mind no matter
Roll the coal, roll the coal

What is the norm?
We terraform!
Roll the coal, roll the coal
All of creation
For exploitation
Roll the coal, roll the coal

[repeat and fade]

* Manifest Destiny
** pronounced to rhyme with “riches” and “breeches”
*** http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/04/090422-seal-evolution-missing-link.html

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Rob Arndt - January 01, 2016 - Report this comment

555 for the parody, although I don't support much of what you say. But you did link diesel to the Bible and that's original ;-)

Joseph Rhodes - May 04, 2017 - Report this comment

This is the kind of humor I would like to see in a sequel to Popstar... in which Lawrence and Owen become a Christian band while Conner becomes an unabashed liberal. For comparisons from popular culture, try searches on Kerry Livgren, Dave Hope, AD, John Elefante, Kansas, Steve Walsh, and Mastedon. Those should be enough, but if they're not, try such albums as Audio-Visions, Vinyl Confessions, It's a Jungle Out There, Power, Freaks of Nature, and Somewhere to Elsewhere. If those are not enough, try such tracks as Dust in the Wind, Hold On, Play the Game Tonight, Slow Motion Suicide, Crossfire, Hope Once Again, and Icarus II. And if you still haven't had enough, any number of searches on Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith, Stryper, Song of Solomon, the love of God, romantic love, heart, soul, mind, strength, Revelation 3, church fellowship, and personal salvation should keep you busy for quite a while. If you're still reading, consider joining the philosophers Richard Dawkins mentioned who attempted and may still be attempting to prove through modal logic that pigs cannot fly.

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