Oh, damn, goddamn
Oh, damn, goddamn (there's a split I cannot fix, can you?)

Hey, could you mend these (oh, damn, goddamn)?
Please, could you mend these (oh, damn)?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you (goddamn)?

I tore my pants, can see my ass
And I don't like the breeze that grants
Plus ev'rybody can all glance deep within
Which kinda blows when underwear fabric's real thin
I swear it's one of those wear-and-tear rips
Pretty sure I'd recall if a knife slipped
It doesn't matter, stop askin' about it
Just a hole, I found it
An emergency, these are my
Fav'rite pair, so don't waste time
Please, I beg you, hate what's on my legs, true
My odd love for those shorts would prob'bly upset you
When I heard that rip sound, it hurt
Almost as much as the laughter of that jerk
Laughed his ass off when mine was laid bare
Vengeance might be shown on the air
If they somehow find him
Not the point, I'm here to ask a real good friend to mend
My absolute, all-time fav'rite butt cov'rin'
I can't do it myself, I know nothin'
I'd use staples, I can't lie
Maybe paperclips with a length of twine
I'll pay all of the cash that you request
'Cause you'll fix the hole the best

Hey, could you mend these (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)?
Please, could you mend these (oh, damn)?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you (goddamn)?
Hey, could you mend these (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)?
Please, could you mend these (oh, damn)?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you (goddamn)?

An eyebrow raised up, why the high brows, man?
You're "used to crap like this from you"? Damn
Well, I admit this embarrassin' rip
Isn't the first one, let's take a trip (hey, could you mend these?)
A fly through the mind, a spy through time (please, could you mend these?)
All the pants I've had that had holes way too wide (hey, could you mend these?)
The look was quite demeanin' (please, could you mend these?)
I tried to claim that the holes weren't how they were seemin'
"They're pre-stressed jeans!" We both know that that's a lie (oh, damn)
Takes real self-control to not flip outright (goddamn)
And choose a nudist state because of all the holes (oh, damn)
That always seem to form when it's damn cold (goddamn)
It's never shirt holes, that would be alright
To see my nipples won't destroy your mind
Sure, armpit hair's a bad view
Not as bad as my butt, it's true
Don't feel good when folks keep starin' at my ass
Also don't like how you have yet to say "Yes", man
Said I would pay all the cash that you request
'Cause you'll fix the hole the best

Hey, could you mend these (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)?
Please, could you mend these (oh, damn)?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you (goddamn)?
Hey, could you mend these (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)?
Please, could you mend these (oh, damn)?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you (goddamn)?
Hey, could you mend these (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)?
Please, could you mend these (oh, damn)?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you (goddamn)?
Hey, could you mend these (oh, damn, goddamn)
Please, could you mend these (oh, damn)?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you (goddamn)?

Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these (ah-ha-ha-ha-ha)?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these?
Hey, could you mend these? Please, could you mend these?
There's a split I cannot fix, can you?