There's a Maris Piper
For my tea today
Should I heat it in the stove?
Or in the microwave?
In the jacket's not my
scene it must be true
It's the only reason that this wide load
bloody married you

Can you peel the spuds tonight?
I just can't be bothered
It's too much for this wide arsed worrier
I'd rather clean my car
And can you peel the spuds tonight?
I really need my rest
It's too much just moving from the room
Don't put me to the test

There's a spud for everyone
If they only learn
To keep them in a cool dry place
and not to let them burn
You don't need thyme for season
Salt is all it calls
When my heart needs good Cholesterol
It keeps me warm indoors

And can you peel the spuds tonight?
I just can't be bothered
It's too much for this wide arsed worrier
I'd rather clean my car
And can you peel the spuds tonight?
I really need my rest
It's too much just moving from the room
Don't put me to the test

It's enough to have them chipped and fried
But mashing is the best