[SECRETARY OF STATE:]
Good evening, my General, it is with deepest pride
and greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight.
And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a
chair as we, your comrades, proudly present -
your country!

You're - the - best
Passed the test
You're dictator, nothing less
All the peasants feel unpleasant, but
My leader, I digress
You've got power,
What you want --
And your predecessor's gone
Even though he
[TREASURER:]
Was your brother...
[SECRETARY OF STATE:]
Don't believe me? Ask your mother!
Pass some laws, raise the tax
Give your enemies the ax
Coz the leader never will be second-best...
Go on, declare a traitor
Let him rot till later
With duress
He'll confess
Ohh-ho yes

[SECRETARY OF WAR and WHOLE CABINET:]
Make some deals,
Buy a nuke
Gas your people, watch them puke
[SECRETARY OF STATE:]
Stage unanimous elections
Like Saddam did; be Grand Duke!
Go and take
What you will
They can't go on "Dr. Phil"
If they try a revolution
Give them public execution!
There's no way you can't win
You're totalitarian!
[WHOLE CABINET:]
Though the people try to claim that they're oppressed...
What are they going to do?
Think they can depose you?
Well they've confessed
[SECRETARY OF STATE:]
They detest
What they say is false arrest

[WHOLE CABINET:]
You're the best!
Screw the rest!
All the people are such pests!
They're a burden; try some purges --
Make the population less
Want to be - a great cook?
Just rewrite the hist'ry books
Shall we build another palace?
Call the Bradys ... hire Alice?
Do you spend - cash on tanks?
Or invest in offshore banks?
Either way the money goes to your war chest...
Go find your friend Fidel;
Team up with Kim Jong Il
Fill up with zest!
[SECRETARY OF STATE:]
Wear your vest!
[WHOLE CABINET:]
TyrantFest!

[SECRETARY OF STATE:]
Life is so unnerving
For advisors who aren't serving
We're not happy with no one to wait upon
Ah, I remember days when we were useful...
'Fore your brother ran it, we had jobs
Ten years... army's rusting
Many criminals need busting
It's been just as long since anyone was killed!
Most days we just sat around the war room
Useless, bored and tired
But the times are good now, sire!

[FOREIGN RELATIONS MINISTER:]
Go get dressed,
Leave the nest,
For your meeting with the West
Because NATO and the UN
Think the way you rule is messed
Cut them all - down to size
With a couple straight-faced lies
You'll impress them with your story
Of your hard-won rise to glory
We'll get them - off your back
They'll cease their verbal attack
Make a claim at least you're better than the last...
[WHOLE CABINET:]
And earn a rep-u-tation
[FOREIGN RELATIONS MINISTER:]
as a per-fect nation
Just don't get stressed!
[WHOLE CABINET:]
Or depressed!
[FOREIGN RELATIONS MINISTER:]
Look your best!

[WHOLE CABINET:]
If support's - not too thick
Go and find a heretic
You can toss him in the slammer and then beat
him with a stick
You can trump - up the charge
You can fine him fifty large
Coz the cost of your new Lam-bo's
More than they spent making "Ram-bo"...
Force by force, gun by gun,
Then you shout, "Let's have some fun!"
And invade whichever country's ea-si-est...
If they don't show pa-tron-age,
Bomb them to the Stone Age
Not a jest!
Your behest!
You know best!
Sir, you - know - best!