My butt hurt, and it really aches
But look down there, and you'll like what you see
You said no, I said yes
And then you looked

Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids
Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids
Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids on my butt

I went home and played with my dog
He licked them off, and barfed like a frog
I was cured, and happy
But felt really awesome

Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids
Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids
Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids no longer on my butt

And if I put my fingers up there, and if I say
"I love you, dear" to myself
And if I play the same annoying song,
Will you just laugh, shoot me in the foot, and say


Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids
Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids
Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids have turned me off

Now I'm alone and bored on a Friday night
Because you left me, in your own right
Will I watch Jeopardy? Or sing a song?
Or realize that my life is a lie?

Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids
Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids
Mermaid-shaped hemorrhoids have ruined my life