There once was a woman
Known as Doris Teavee
A housewife and mother
Who seemed very bold
But the best day for her
Was her visit to Wonka’s
Since her son hacked a ticket
All shiny and gold

Whoopie ti-yi-yo
Oh, dear Doris Teavee
Starting your journey
With Mike there and then
Whoopie ti-yi-yo
Poor Doris Teavee
You'll understand Wonka’s
You just don't know when

They walked through the hall
To a room filled with candy
And Doris said,
“Therapy hither and thither!”
But then someone shouted
“Augustus, don’t do that!”
And Doris watched one kid
Fall into the river

Whoopie ti-yi-yo
Oh, my, Doris Teavee
One kid just left
You must have felt bad then
Whoopie ti-yi-yo
Go on, Doris Teavee
You'll understand Wonka’s
You just don't know when

Then they took a ride
To a room for inventing
And Doris was wowed
By the things there she knew
But then someone shouted,
“Hey, Violet, stop chewing!”
And Doris saw another kid
Grow big and blue

Whoopie ti-yi-yo
Watch out, Doris Teavee
Two kids are gone
What could happen then?
Whoopie ti-yi-yo
Go on, Doris Teavee
You'll understand Wonka’s
You just don't know when

They came to a room
Full of nuts and of squirrels
A girl grabbed a squirrel
And it judged her as bad
Then Doris cried out,
“Can someone not save her?”
But then the same thing
Happened to the girl’s dad

Ay-yi-yi-yi
Poor Doris Teavee
You saw another parent
Leave the tour then
Whoopie ti-yi-yo
Go on, Doris Teavee
You'll understand Wonka’s
You just don't know when

The last room she saw
Had a big television
It made her son tiny
And she burst out in laughter
But a few minutes later
Charlie called, "Y'all can move in!"
Doris said,
“I’d love to!”
And was happy ever after

Whoopie ti-yi-yo
Have fun, Doris Teavee
Keep watching your son
Like a kind mother hen
Whoopie ti-yi-yo
Welcome home, Doris Teavee
Now you understand Wonka’s,
Yes, ever since then!