I had an eggplant
Shoved up my arse
I can't recall why, but no one would
Remove it, it was quite the farce

Nobody would dare put
Their fingers up there
Except for my doctor
But he's kinda weird
With no surgical flair
And so

Held me down, WITH
His large arm
Fingers plunged
Into my arse
(Right up my arse)

Didn't see him with gloves
Quite out of his mind
Now he is searching
Feeling 'round my bowels
For that eggplant of mine

No, maybe it was Barry's
OW OW or maybe Jay's?
But why am I debating
This pointless factoid
When this man's fisting me?
Oh no, oh no

Still held down, OW
Hear him gasp
"Here it is!"
Found that eggplant
(Found that eggplant)

And so now, POP
Out my arse
There it is
Within his grasp
(His smelly grasp)

So I'm walking funny
For the next few weeks
It's hard to sit down
Harder still to stand up
Pain runs straight through both cheeks

So I think I'll change clinics
Won't see him any more
Though even if I avoid him
His face will stay
In my mind forever more
Whoa no, whoa no

Can't sit down OW
(Can't sit even for a mo)
Burning hard
(Sounds like an innuendo)
Deary me
(Ooohooohooo lordy me)
My poor old arse
My poor old arse

Can't bend down OW
(Can't bend down, it makes me curse)
Can't run fast
(When I get the runs, it's worse)
Look at me
(Ooohooohooo look at me)
My legs apart
Like cowboys are

(Repeat and fade, when the painkillers start to take effect)