NICK:
[Spoken] Tiger Woods recently made his return to golf, playing at the masters tournament. But he said it’d be a one off, that he’s still taking time away from the game. Now, Nib and I think there’s been one victim that’s been overlooked through this whole mess. And that’s the game of golf.

NIB:
1, 2, 3… Fore! (Oy!)
My bad.

NICK:
Back on the course, searching for Birdies
Did his time, took his chances
Went out of bounds, rebounded back in the rough
The more he swings, the less he’ll have to apologise
All the while we change the channel
No more excitement for the public
Vijay Singh just bogied hole number 4
I think I’m gonna have to scream to survive
It is time for you Tiger to come back and play golf
The game is really boring without you
I mean, it’s always been pretty boring
But it’s like (snore) when you’re not there
So come back and tee off and drive on...won’t you Tiger
Face to face, out in the heat
Remember, Nike’s still behind you
Did you know you sold more clothes in these weeks
Casanova or business ace all the while?

[Spoken] Because, actually did you know that sales of Tiger Woods’ brand of clothing and apparel increased by 8% during the whole scandal,
I mean what’s up with that?

NIB:
Talk about landing in the green

NICK:
We’re trying to get on the radio, Nib.

NIB:
Sorry.

NICK:
It is time for you Tiger to come back and play golf
The game is really boring without you
Unless Happy Gilmore’s playing I just really don’t care
So come back and tee off and drive on...won’t you Tiger

NIB:
What do you get when you spell par backwards?

Golf is so boring lately, we’re snoring
Forty white guys walking slow, touring
Tournaments endure more handicaps
From chaps landing crap tee-offs in sandtraps
No golf claps- these hacks are pros?
In dandy pants, sandals and tacky clothes
Up the track they go, watch ‘em whack and hoe
Like Kyle Sandilands swinging Jackie O

Please reprieve our relieved elite leader
Spot the maneater, Tiger’s a cheetah
How much Wood would Woods chuck
Struck in the dark woods, oops, out of good luck
Yo, Tiger strikes like some Nike-lined giant
9 to 5 hitting his 5 and 9 iron
Yeah he makes thrice the weekly pay
Of Fiji’s Vijay Singh on PGA

NICK:
It is time for you Tiger to come back and play golf
The game is really boring without you
Not quite as bad as curling but it’s right on the line
So come back and tee off and
Play nine under par
You’re the master of masters
With ten finger grip
Shine up your putter
It’s all in the hips
Come on, it’s time to drive on...won’t you Tiger
Come back and play Tiger...

NIB:
Rrrrrr

NICK:
What was that?

NIB:
A tiger growl.

NICK:
Sounds more like a gay pigeon.

NIB:
A gay pigeon is 4 under par.

NICK:
Come back and play Tiger
Can I borrow a fiver
Cuz I need a new driver

NIB:
He needs a new car

NICK:
Come back and play Tiger