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Song Parodies -> "Pork The Girl"
Original Song Title:
"Kiss The Girl"
Original Performer:
Samuel E. Wright
Parody Song Title:
"Pork The Girl"
Parody Written by:
Immoral Liberal
The Lyrics
In the Honest Trailer for The Little Mermaid (1989), Screen Junkies referred to this as the "Shouldn't You Ask For Consent First?" song and presented a parody that pretended Sebastian and his fellow serenaders were pushing the young couple to do more than kiss while they were out on the water alone with each other in a rowboat. Leaving aside the trailer's facetious exaggeration of the song's intended effect, its questioning of how consensual such an encounter would be struck me as rather absurd: at many points during the song, Ariel seems to be the one coming on to Eric, practically trying to climb right into his lap; and he sure doesn't seem to be putting up more than a token resistance to her amorous advances. This parody, therefore, is more or less the way I think the trailer's version of the song should have gone.
"Percussion..."
"Strings..."
"Winds..."
"Words."
Here you've got her;
Sitting in your boat right there.
She's not going anywhere,
Except where you might take her...
You're not dumb or blind,
And she sure wouldn't mind
If you would... pork the girl.
[Eric looks around.]
"Someone say something?"
[Ariel shrugs.]
Yes, she wants to;
See how she makes eyes at you!
No question you want her too;
So, dude, why don't you take her?
Actions speak, not words;
Dude, just look at her:
She wants you... Pork the girl!
"Sing with me, now."
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
Why, oh, why—
She's giving you the eye—
Why don't you... pork the girl?
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
See there, lad:
She's got it for you bad;
Wants you to... pork the girl!
[Eric gives Ariel an awkward look and blushes.]
"You know, it seems kinda weird not knowing your name.
I mean, before we... Is your name... Roxy?"
[Ariel pantomimes gagging at the suggestion.]
"Ha ha ha! Yeah, right... no! Sounds
dubious. Uh... Maybe... Scarlett?"
[Ariel shakes her head.]
"Too on the nose... Cherry?"
[Ariel shakes her head again.]
"Also too on the nose..."
[Frustrated, Sebastian leans in and grumbles.]
"What are you saying!? Just try Ariel!"
[Eric looks puzzled, but tries the suggestion.]
"Ariel...?"
[Much to his surprise, she nods enthusiastically.]
"Really? That's it?"
[She nods even harder.]
"Never would've thought of that...
Never mind. Well, then... Ariel."
Now you know her...
(Ya... Ya... Ya...)
Sixteen's old enough for you.*
(Ya... Ya... Ya...)
Boy, is something wrong with you?
You two won't get younger!
(Ya... Ya... Ya... Ya... Ya... Ya...)
Can't think what to say?
Nothing you need to say!
You need to... pork the girl!
[Ariel's aquatic and avian friends
gather around to bring the frenzied
chorus to a rousing (ha!) climax.]
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
She's right there,
Spreading out to prepare
For you to... pork the girl! (Go, go!)
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
Don't hold back!
She wants you in the sack!
You gotta... pork the girl! (Go, go!)
[Scuttle joins the chorus, singing badly,
but the other birds silence him.]
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
Take it down:
Skin boat to Tuna Town;
(Ya ya ya wah wah—*Mmmph!*)
And that means... "Pork the girl!" (Go, go!)
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
The music rise,
As you growing in size;
Get it on... Pork the girl!
(Yeah, do it, darlin'!)("Pork her!")
You got to... pork the girl!
(Do it, dude!) Pork the girl!
(Go on and...) Pork the girl!
"Go on and...!" Pork the girl!
"Strings..."
"Winds..."
"Words."
Here you've got her;
Sitting in your boat right there.
She's not going anywhere,
Except where you might take her...
You're not dumb or blind,
And she sure wouldn't mind
If you would... pork the girl.
[Eric looks around.]
"Someone say something?"
[Ariel shrugs.]
Yes, she wants to;
See how she makes eyes at you!
No question you want her too;
So, dude, why don't you take her?
Actions speak, not words;
Dude, just look at her:
She wants you... Pork the girl!
"Sing with me, now."
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
Why, oh, why—
She's giving you the eye—
Why don't you... pork the girl?
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
See there, lad:
She's got it for you bad;
Wants you to... pork the girl!
[Eric gives Ariel an awkward look and blushes.]
"You know, it seems kinda weird not knowing your name.
I mean, before we... Is your name... Roxy?"
[Ariel pantomimes gagging at the suggestion.]
"Ha ha ha! Yeah, right... no! Sounds
dubious. Uh... Maybe... Scarlett?"
[Ariel shakes her head.]
"Too on the nose... Cherry?"
[Ariel shakes her head again.]
"Also too on the nose..."
[Frustrated, Sebastian leans in and grumbles.]
"What are you saying!? Just try Ariel!"
[Eric looks puzzled, but tries the suggestion.]
"Ariel...?"
[Much to his surprise, she nods enthusiastically.]
"Really? That's it?"
[She nods even harder.]
"Never would've thought of that...
Never mind. Well, then... Ariel."
Now you know her...
(Ya... Ya... Ya...)
Sixteen's old enough for you.*
(Ya... Ya... Ya...)
Boy, is something wrong with you?
You two won't get younger!
(Ya... Ya... Ya... Ya... Ya... Ya...)
Can't think what to say?
Nothing you need to say!
You need to... pork the girl!
[Ariel's aquatic and avian friends
gather around to bring the frenzied
chorus to a rousing (ha!) climax.]
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
She's right there,
Spreading out to prepare
For you to... pork the girl! (Go, go!)
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
Don't hold back!
She wants you in the sack!
You gotta... pork the girl! (Go, go!)
[Scuttle joins the chorus, singing badly,
but the other birds silence him.]
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
Take it down:
Skin boat to Tuna Town;
(Ya ya ya wah wah—*Mmmph!*)
And that means... "Pork the girl!" (Go, go!)
Sha-la-la-la-la-la!
The music rise,
As you growing in size;
Get it on... Pork the girl!
(Yeah, do it, darlin'!)("Pork her!")
You got to... pork the girl!
(Do it, dude!) Pork the girl!
(Go on and...) Pork the girl!
"Go on and...!" Pork the girl!
*One of the more egregious errors in the trailer that shows someone dropped the ball while researching the source material: the trailer claims Ariel is fifteen when she specifically states in the movie (during a rather memorable heated argument with her father) "I am sixteen years old; I'm not a child anymore!" Since the movie's canon states the party at which she first lays eyes on Eric is in fact a celebration of his eighteenth birthday, anything he and she might have done together would be well within legal boundaries even in modern times here in much of the USA, thanks to the "Romeo and Juliet" laws many states have; and the actual story's set several centuries ago, when many considered sixteen to be a perfectly good age for a girl to get married and start having children.
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