Look at the humans over here, crazy...

If I was an Earthman
Would I remember to take off my clothes if I got hot
Would I be named Dan?
Or would I be Stan?
Could I find a good friend
That I could borrow cash from,
Among other things?
Would I be American
Or Andalusian?

If I was an Earthman
If I was an Earthman
If I was an Earthman
Would I wear the right snooze
--I mean, SHOES, upon my nose
Before I go out?
Not that I'm clueless
But sometimes, sometimes
Those are the things that being human's about

Would I write with pencil or pen?
When my feet are running, do I use a tissue?
What the heck is phelgm exactly?
Someday I would like to taste hot chop susie
Sneeze!

If I was an Earthman
If I was an Earthman
I would have to wash my hair
And I would have to cut it sometimes
Of course, some let it hang out--
I mean, I suppose it'd be better than scales or feathers
I would like to try to swing on a vine
If I was an Earthman

Maybe I will eat foot
--I mean, eat food that I will choose
When I will go out
If I was an Earthman
In this world, I could get rich in Vegas
'Cause sometimes, sometimes
Money is the thing Earthmen can't live without (booger?)
I would have to earn a living, and do lung breathing (hooker?)
Maybe you think I'm kidding
A little off-center (If I was an Earthman)
Funny, funny, Earth I see

If I was an Earthman (continuously...)

And why when you have to make children you make love?
And why, why when you make love there is such a spasm?
You look like you ate a sauerkraut!
Isn't it true?
I've seen you--
A lot!

I got many questions
When on Earth, I go to the zoo
And see all the creatures who aren't like you
How come they're naked, but you can't be too?
How come your kids need 12 years of school?
Can't they just do three?
If I was an Earthman, I could
Oh yeah, I think so
Listen, if I got too close to a skunk and his spray--
Would my nose fall off?
That could be a thrill!
If I was an Earthman, would you kill me
If I was not a Christian?
Would I fear your deity's wrath?
Could I cheat a little playing cards
And still have a laugh?
And would I, would I have to kiss a bear?
Could I share my fears and doubts?
If I jump off the roof, would I just go bounce?
Can I fly a kite, or just smoke a bong?
And together, can we play violins?
Let's just try to imagine what that looks like
Yeah, just try to imagine that, a violin's struck like--
Please let me know, what do violins look like?
I'd like to try...