It's after school and you want to see Dark Shadows on TV
Down in the rec room, you check the TV guide, it's half past three
The screen appears but terror stills your hand before you change it
It's your worst fear, a hag so chilling never have you seen
You have to scream

It's Phyllis Diller! Diller! Aiii!
There's no mistaking her under that bleached out hair that's fried
It's Phyllis Diller! Diller! Right
On Hollywood Squares and it's a Phyllis Diller chiller fright.

First Wally Cox up, Disney could not save him from this game
Next in is Paul Lynde, quipping jokes about Wally's last name
He seems bewitched, jesting with his friend Charles Nelson Reilly
Two in a row, it takes just one more X to match the pair
The secret square

Is Phyllis Diller! Diller! No!
She tells another Fang joke and then laughs just like a crow
It's Phyllis Diller! Diller! Why
She's had so many facelifts she's a Phyllis Diller chiller fright

Old sit-com stars
Rose Marie and Phyllis in their mascara
"There's no escaping," you yell, on this day gameshow hell (Richard Dawson)
Bob Crane's locked in the next cell

Then Charley Weaver, whoever the hell he used to be
To block the O's of aging Judy Carne and Ruth Buzzy
X takes the square, then Morey Amsterdam straight from the borscht belt
He does his schtick. Then Arte Johnson adds one tired thing.
"Very interesting!"

Now Phyllis Diller! Diller! Aack!
She smiles just like a Grimace and her pancake make-up cracks
It's Phyllis Diller! Diller! Tight
And no one can replace her except Joan Rivers, shivers, quivers,
Diller lite!

(Rap performed by Vincent Price)
Has-beens crawl out from their lairs
To resurrect their dead careers
No Batman cameo in sight
To save them from their wretched plight
So Peter Marshall must command
The souls of these who have been damned
And read the questions they must face
To earn their keep in such disgrace
I, Vincent Price, am not immune
To spend these cursed afternoons
With grisly ghouls from sitcoms past
And sad routines that did not last
And though Anne Meara's droning on
With zombie Jerry Stiller
No hideousness can near compare
With the cackling Phyllis Diller
(Into screeching laugh, in deep echo)