I've been going to the bar,
Getting drunk on cold Cobra,
Puked over the windowsil,
'Cos don't agree with cider swilled;
I was drunk out of my mind,
Running in my Calvin Klines;

Puking on the toilet door,
Before I knew i'd hit the floor,
Gave a barman twenty bob,
Just so that he could wipe the knob;
Get all of the sick in pairs,
And them wipe it all over my hair;

I then pull my Calvin Klines,
And wipe some more sick on my thighs,
I feel like I am being boiled,
But drink until my pants get soiled;
Feel like I am being boiled;

I realise it's five o'clock,
The wife will hit me with a sock,
I hit someone elses friend,
All 'cos I've been on the bender;

I have been to lots of bars,
Places near and places far,
Been to bars at Moswell Hill,
And The Neptune in Selsey Bill;
I think my record's forty-five,
I'm so lucky to be alive;

Copper stopped me the other day,
"You look like you've had twenty-eight,
Come here so I can test your breath,
I think you are on crystalmeth;"
I like going to the bar,
I've been near and i've been far;

I like going to the bar,
I've been near and I've been far,
I like going to the bar,
Even if I take the car,
I like going to the bar,
Getting drunk on cold Cobra,
I like going to the bar,
I've been near and I've been far.