well, I bought them at a goodwill store, not far from home
started having second thoughts, so I decided to try them on
when suddenly, my girl calls me up on the telephone
said she's coming to me, so we can just have some fun

Oh, But This Is Just Bad, I Can't Get Them Off
If I Weren't So Fat, Lord, They'd Look Kinda Hot
They Keep Riding On Up And I Am Boned
And They're Crushing My Diddle, A Cross Between Tights And Thong

she said "you know I never was real big on sitting around
so I'll show you a good time, if you just pull those tight shorts down"
said I'd realy kind of love to, babe, they're cutting blood flow
I don't care for this underwear, just, please baby, don't go

Oh And This Is Just Sad, I Can't Get Them Off
If I Weren't So Fat, Lord, They'd Look Kinda Hot
They Keep Riding On Up And I Am Boned
And They're Crushing My Diddle, A Cross Between Tights And Thong

yeah, her kinda love kept me trying to just free my hind
scissors fin'ly cut them off, that's a load off my mind
if I hurry outside, I won't have to go it alone
blood flow's back, dirty thoughts about that woman who's almost gone

Tell Her It's Not That Bad, See? I Got Them Off
Now, Why Do You Laugh, Babe, While Those Strangers Cough?
I'm Outside In The Buff And I'm So Boned
'Cause The Whole Neighborhood Is Getting To See My Bolone