I was takin' a drive up to Yosemite,
Toolin' along in my SUV,
Munchin' on a Big Mac and yakkin' on my cellular phone.

But Nature was callin' when I finished my tea,
And I noticed the fuel gauge was dippin' toward "E",
So I figured I'd stop and just kill two birds with one stone.

Well it was bumper-to-bumper and it wasn't polite,
So it took me six miles to get over to the right,
Just in time to miss an exit with a big truck stop.

The next exit down, I didn't see any stations,
But I took it anyway cause I had sensations
That my eyeballs were yellow and my kidneys were floatin' on top.

It was a narrow little street, lined with big ol' trees
And book stores and cafes wherever you please
And I felt like I'd been beamed back to '69.

There were girls wearin' hip-huggin' bell-bottom jeans,
And the guys all had pony tails and "Peace" symbol rings,
So I sure was glad when I finally saw that Exxon sign.

I pulled up to the pump labeled "High Octane,"
Told the dude, "Fill her up," then to relieve my pain
I headed round to where the sign said the men's room was.

Well the whole place was filthy, as you might guess,
But I took care of business and avoided the mess.
When I came back out the street folk were beginnin' to buzz.

Yeah, several were gathered round my SUV,
And they were scoffin' and laughin' and pointin' at me.
I thought I'd better get movin' before things got rude.

But I saw that the pump was still runnin' up green,
Those dials were still spinning like a slot machine,
I thought I might have to take out a loan just to pay the dude.

They were watchin' that pump with glazed-over eyes,
Those three old hippies with their button-up flies,
And an old flower-mama in desperate need of a bra.

They were highly indignant, that was clear as could be,
That I had the gall to drive an SUV.
Their opinion was that "there oughta be some kinda law."

Yeah, my vehicular choice stood for all they hate,
From green house gases to insurance rates.
They were quoting Hollywood celebs (as if they have a clue).

But they crossed the line when they tried to insist
I was aiding and abetting mid-eastern terrorists
Just by driving the same kind of car that those celebrities do!

Now I could have pointed out that we have oil ourselves
Down underneath Alaska and the continental shelves,
But those environments are all off-limits thanks to folks like them.

Or I could have said their '60-somethin' VW bus
Spouts out more pollution than a dozen of us,
But I thought the situation was already gettin' way too grim.

And the last thing I wanted was to have a debate
In Berkeley, California. I was already late,
So I just smiled and hoped that they would move along.

But when I opened the door I realized too late
That the radio was on, and I guess it was fate,
That it was Rush Limbaugh, and he was playin' that "Femi-Nazi" song.

Well that mama went ballistic I can tell you for sure,
So I had to think fast or else hope for a cure,
Cause she was about to dismember me with tooth and claw.

So I said, "Fellas, can't you see it's an act?
This woman's a Republican, that is a fact!
She's spyin' on abusers of the medical marijuana law.

"She may look like a socialistic hippie buffoon,
But I saw her in a fur coat Tuesday afternoon,
And you wouldn't believe all the Bush bumper stickers she's got.

"She was mad Bill's impeachment trial was thrown off track,
And she don't like France because they like Iraq,
But she loves spotted owls because they taste like chicken a lot."

Well, they were lookin' at her like she came from the moon,
And I saw my tank was full, not a bit too soon,
So I gave the dude his money and jumped in behind the wheel.

She was screaming at them that I was lyin' about her,
When I turned the key and heard that big engine purr,
Then I tromped it hard and let those wide-oval black walls squeal.

Well, I could see in the mirror that they were really pissed,
They were screamin' and yellin' and shakin' their fists,
When a wild hair hit me and I shut that mother down on the spot.

Then I threw it in reverse and tromped it again
And their faces went slack, then panic set in
As I chased 'em all one time around the parking lot.

Well as fun as it was to watch 'em hide and duck,
I decided that I'd better not push my luck,
So I whipped it around and headed to the interstate.

Cause with an empty bladder and a tank full of gas
I could set my cruise control and ride in class,
And not have to stop again until I made it to the ranger's gate.

Now America's got problems, but sakes-alive!
Do we have to hate each other for the cars we drive?
Aren't there bigger fish to fry in this ever-lovin' land of the free?

So you can own a sporty coupe, made in Japan,
And she can spend her money on a Dodge Caravan...
And I'll be fat and happy in the comfort of my SUV.