Well I blew out my candles in Colts Neck last night.
Took so long I turned blue.
Now the smoke clears and we've restored our sight.
We can see what a ceiling fan can do.

Now they want me to tour again, out of State
and my bad back can't get no relief.
Gonna be a jumble on the L.A. stage
and the Fixodent is fixing my skin to my teeth.

Well, everything dies, baby, that's a fact.
But at my age, to tell me is to not have tact.
Rub that Ben-Gay on as my arthritis remedy
and meet me tonight, as I'm turning seventy.

Now, you're retired from your job, you got a 401k
and the wife wants to head for the casino to play.
Don't know why, such a place, so many old people trust
but now we can afford a limo instead of that Coast City bus.

Well, everything dies, baby, that's a fact.
But at my age, to tell me is to not have tact.
Rub that Ben-Gay on as my arthritis remedy
and meet me tonight, as I'm turning seventy.

Now, some friends may have died, and some others grew cold
but with some, forever I'll stay.
My TV shows ads for catheters and gold.
This nostalgia's wrong and it's full of mold.

Well, everything dies, baby, that's a fact.
But at my age, to tell me is to not have tact.
Rub that Ben-Gay on as my arthritis remedy
and meet me tonight, as I'm turning seventy.

Now, my grandson's got a job, it wasn't hard to find.
It ain't in a steel mill, ain't on assembly line.
I know he's tired of the job, telemarketing's grim.
By the time he gets to be my age, he'll still have a wallet so slim.

Well, everything dies, baby, that's a fact.
But at my age, to tell me is to not have tact.
Rub that Ben-Gay on as my arthritis remedy
and meet me tonight, as I'm turning seventy.