Never been in a fight,
But last night I came real close.
Had to shoot off your mouth,
Had to have your big say.
No excuse you can use,
You’re just dumb as a bedpost.
So we flipped you the bird
As we both drove away.

No one cares what you say anymore,
You’re his ex-wife
Set him free, c’est la vie,
Now it’s time to go home.
Got the house, got the car,
Got the freedom you wanted.
Go ahead with your new life,
Leave us alone.

I’ve never said, “Medusa called—she wants her hairdo back.”
(I’m thinking “Phyllis Diller”…)
I never said you were a hippo in yoga slacks.
(It was a wart hog.)
We all agree-
It’s not just me-
That you could be the Missing Link of Darwin’s.

Friends should tell you
You dress like a floozy in Vegas.
And your makeup’s as thick as the tar in La Brea.
Think you’re glam, don’t you ma’am,
But you’re Barbie on steroids.
Even scared little Marilyn Manson away.

Must’ve been a big blow
To find nobody missed you.
Didn’t come all undone like you thought that he would.
No one likes you, it’s true
You’re a shrew
And neurotic.
Even Jesus himself would’ve left you for good.

(Musical interlude)


I never said your brain is smaller than a black-eyed pea.
(It’s smaller than a dust speck.)
Or that your mother should’ve had a hysterectomy…
(I’ll bet she wishes!)
I’m not as mean
As it may seem.
Although I dream of things I’d LOVE to tell you!

No one cares what you say anymore,
You’re his ex-wife.
And a sad little low-life--
Leave us alone!

(Just remember you’re the EX-wife)
(Just remember you’re the EX-wife)

(fade out)