Uncle Howard's the dude who is the most real
He's my favorite guy in my family wheel
He usually annoys them the longer he stays
But he really tells great tales from his younger days

Stumbles in the house, almost trips on shoelaces
Various in-laws make disapproving faces
He opens Foster's Ale, "Glad to be alive!"
He says he inspired a song back in '55

"I've got a good job
At the lumber barn
You should see me rev up my chainsaw, such form!
Live in motel, up near Sauganash
Let's go find a place where we can get smashed

Bad boy! "I put a tack on teacher's chair"
Bad boy! "I tied a knot in Susie's hair"
Bad boy! "And I just didn't care"
Bad boy! "Somebody went and snitched on me
What a thing to be...got nuttin' for Christmas for me!"

"Yes, I made Tommy eat a bug
Bought some gum with a penny slug
Your grandfather gave me hell, the jerk
Wrote the song about me for his work"

Uncle Howard's the dude who is the most real
He's my favorite guy in my family wheel
They his memory ain't the same, lives in a haze
But I love to see him during holidays

"My life sure did change
History, it wasn't kind
You could learn a lot from a life like mine
The secret to be
Is not to be a drag
Just be merry, unwind
And don't be a silly spaz
Like them!...

Bad boy! "I never got no Santa Claus!"
Bad boy! "He wouldn't visit me because..."
Bad boy! "...Someone narced me to the laws"
Bad boy! "Once you are bad, that's it for you!
No more gifts for you.
Get you nothing but reindeer poo."