Winning the race by a finger [1]
Training so hard and so long
Swimming for miles, gets so strong
Filling day off he... hits a bong
R&R: boff he: double swinger [2]
No medals, cost he: hitting bong

Aaaahhh...

We saw him win the breaststroke [3]
Backstroke, relay, freestyle
They played the US anthem
Gave us all a smile
And so he is, this young man:
No danger; legalize:

Having a taste of the zinger
Cooking your brownies with herbs
Somehow, this champion got along
Thrilling Olympics: played our song
Winner, his whole life; pot disturbs?
Silly idea, that; thesis: wrong

He spread Olympic fever
Applause from Chinese crowd
Could he do any better
If pot were not allowed?
And by the ev'ning's finish:
Gold medals, they put on

Did you think they subbed a ringer? [4]
Clearly, our laws: morals blurred
Must not be costly, hitting bong
Water: less cough, we: filter, strong
Cannabis tax law: quite absurd [5]
Kill this oft-scoffed law, don't prolong

He swam like Turtle-to-be
He won, if by a hair
And then he lit a doobie
But why does Congress care?
'Cause he just kept on winning
Sinning all life long?

Glory of Phelps, long it lingers
Potheads are not always nerds
Speedo™ suit wore he, not man-thong
Prison is where he should belong???
Dwelling on wrong things: for the birds!
Filling state's coffers, taxes throng

[interlude: Olympic theme, frequently interrupted by USA National Anthem, "The Star-Spangled Banner", as Phelps wins yet another.]

sniff.... mmmm..... whifff..... ohhhhh.... wheee!

Lawmakers: Born in a manger?
Casting first stones at the stoned
Sinless among you: not one soul
You should be hung, you smug a**hole
Selling your souls: rife; not atoned
Hope Devil pokes you with his prong...

He was winning again
Yeah, he's a winner for life
Why can't he lawf'lly hit his bong?
Why regard awf'lly, bit of bong?
Go get your own life, useless turds
Source of your laws be:
Cheech and Chong?




[a] [footnotes to headnotes, expanding TT's -note repertoire and starting a new trend for no one, self included, hopefully] The US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved the use of "Marinol™", a pill whose active ingredient is THC (the psychoactive ingredient in cannabis), for treating the nausea caused in cancer patients by chemotherapy and the resulting loss of appetite and subsequent malnourishment. The laboratory-synthesized stuff wasn't as effective as organic, home-grown (nothing ever is), but was still superior to every previously-approved drug. In other words, marijuana is the most powerful anti-nausea agent known to humanity.

However, one problem in trying to obtain FDA approval for the natural herb is that part of drug testing involves determining the lethal dose: the dose that kills half of the test subjects (LD-50). Fortunately, they test it on lawyers, or, if they're all in court that day, on rats. Unfortunately, marijuana, by itself (i. e., not mixed with six Quaaludes™ and washed down with tequila shooters and some X), has never been known to kill anyone: there *is* no lethal overdose, the only substance in the world for which that is presently known to be true. Every year, people die from overdoses of water (quit carrying around your stupid little water bottle); salt; alcohol; aspirin; Tylenol™ (acetaminophen); Ibuprofen (Motrin™ and other brand names); prescription drugs of all types, often accidentally administered in hospitals; heroin, cocaine, etc., -- but no one dies from an OD of pot. You'd pass out long before, anyway. (I guess you could die laughing, or from the resulting OD of Haagen-Dasz™ -- oh, the things researchers must do in the name of science!)

So, the FDA cannot approve it, because the lethal dose cannot be determined. Amazing, but true.

[1] The 100-meter butterfly: Behind for most of the race, came up with a strong finish at the end, though still slightly behind the leader, and at the last second, gave an extra half-kick and thrust his arm forward, touching the wall with his finger, to win the race by ... 1/100 of a second.

[2] (R&R = "Rest and Recuperation" or "Rest and Recreation", a military term) Said to have had a *3-hour* threesome with two strippers. Hey, he's in great cardiovascular condition, and although tall, his arms are unusually long even for his height; and (an advantage for swimmers almost as good as having flippers) has unusually large feet, too. So, I'm just goin' out on a limb here (pun! lol sorry), but I'm guessin' he also ....

[3] As parts of the medley events, which include breaststroke, backstroke, butterfly, and freestyle.

[4] "ringer" = contestant (including horses) deceitfully substituted for a less able one or in a class lower than that of the "ringer". Does the anti-pot crowd think that the Michael Phelps who won all the gold was a different Michael Phelps from the one who enjoys a toke?

[5] The "Marihuana Tax Act of 1937", passed amidst overblown testimony and scare stories at hearings, required anyone in the US dealing in hemp (the fibrous plant that Thomas Jefferson grew, which makes better rope than does cotton) or marijuana (the leaves, buds, flowers, and stems of same) to pay a one-dollar tax and obtain a tax stamp. However, they wouldn't sell you the stamp unless you brought in your load. But then they could arrest you for having an untaxed stash.

I'm not making this up, folks. It's exactly as stupid as it sounds, and the purpose, of course, was to outlaw pot, something that might have been Constitutionally difficult, especially since the Prohibition (of alcohol) Amendment, passed in 1919, had just been repealed in 1933 as being useless; ineffective; making criminals of honest citizens; and causing the rapid growth, enrichment, and power of organized crime.

Eventually, in 1969, the Supreme Court ruled that the 1937 Tax Act violated your Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination (d'oh!). So in 1970, those pure, innocent, wholesome guardians of our morality, the United States Congress, passed a law repealing the 1937 Tax Act and flatly outlawing marijuana. Since only "hippies" used it, it was viewed as a counter-culture substance by those alcoholics in Congress.