The potboiler that you have just read
has led, you’ll see. . .
romancer in which the hero
acts sadistically,
and the heroine’s a lover
of B&D.

There must be fifty ways
to beat your lover.

She’ll say, “I don this sleazy habit
rather rude
because I’m seeking demeaning. . .
meaning seems lost on you, dude!
I cannot beat myself
at high/low altitude.”

There must be fifty ways
to beat your lover.
Fifty “Grey”s to beat your lover.

Put her on the rack, Jack!
Show her you’re man, Stan!
you ain’t no boy toy, Roy—
she wants your Marquis!
Get a rope truss, Gus,
’cause she wants that hemp’s rough touch.
Don’t heed a faux plea, Lee,
this is B&D!

She wants aggrievement, so
worry not about pain.
Any protestations are a ruse—
without it, there’s no gain.
And so, guy, please freely negate that
and get on the sex train!
There must be fifty ways!

Because she don’t, you dolt,
want to just sleep tonight.
She’s in fact seeking a mooring
that will keep her tied up tight,
because for bliss, see,
she ain’t lookin’ for Fabio—am I right?!
There must be fifty ways
to beat your lover.
“Fifty Grey”s
to read—discover:

Just whip on the back, Mack!
Show some élan, Dan!
Get prompted by “coy,” boy!
Get a clue and see.
Crop on the butt, Bud—
no time to de-nut, stud!
Ironically, Lee,
Wanda* you must be.


*In Leopold von Sacher-Masoch’s “Venus in Furs,” a man, Severin von Kusiemski, is so infatuated with a woman, Wanda von Dunajew, that he requests to be treated as her slave and encourages her to treat him in progressively more degrading ways.