The problem is if you can’t afford that johnny fee
Or if you have money, but you’re tight an’ miserly
Or you’re embarrassed when you buy that pack of three
Then use my…thrifty ways to sleeve your boner

So, when you’ve nearly got some woman in the nude
Carry on, as long as certain that your date was not once dude
You must protect yourself…when the gals are in the mood
An’ use my…thrifty ways to sleeve your boner
Nifty ways to sleeve your boner

You get gut of the yak, Jack
Tie at one end, friend
You put that on your toy, Roy
Bit messy, but free
Dreadin’ a leak, Zeke
You drip jizz an’ you’ll cuss much
Leave some in the she, Lee
An’ kid’s a maybe

Ooh, bag on the knob, Rob
If polythene, Gene
You won’t fertilize egg, Greg
You be single an’ free
Put on a hat, Pat
You don’t heed an’ you’ll cuss much
If not on the pill, Phil
Then Kid’s a maybe

Date said, “You peeve me so; to be here is such pain”
I’m now at a “Grab the Granny” do…to get some tail again
I think, “Urgh, an ugly ol’ bat”…but here’s where I’ll remain
To get me fifty lays

She says, “With rubber on, I’ll sleep with you tonight”
And I believe, on a Harley, there’s a part to fit me right
So I’ll be hopin’…that an inner tube, once cut an’ tied, is tight
I love them…thrifty ways to sleeve your boner
Nifty ways to sleeve your boner

I’ve just made it the fave, Dave
Needs a good rinse, Vince
An old bit of a bike, Mike
Sure satisfied me
Now she’s hopin’ I pay, Ray
I don’t think it was worth much
Coz she’s eighty three, Lee
An’ dribblin’ pee

If with a ho, Joe
Use a good sheath, Keith
You should cover your dick, Rick
You must listen to me
Risk of the syph, Cliff
You don’t want to piss pus much
That sure ain’t a lark, Mark
There’s pain when you pee