Mother has been out all night
In white stilettos and big hair
She's cruising every bar she possibly can
Since daddy left early this year
And she'll bring home another guy
She'll offer him some scotch or cook a meal
Then they'll retire early, go upstairs
And I'll be left to watch the TV
They're pourin' in and helping themselves
To momma's goodies that are on display
I'm told they're helping momma put up shelves
The banging keeps me up so long
I'm eating chocolate instead of greens
And all I can do
Is keep on countin' them

There's Walter
And Peter
In mum's bedroom she's installed a parking meter
I'm less than glad (less than glad)
I've two, maybe three new dads
I don't like Brad (Big Boy Brad)
He's one of my three new dads

She says she's vegetarian; she sure likes meat
She wants to partay and she ain't discrete
I know she's looking for a rooster in a mountain of cocks
If it ain't Apu or Phil
It's there in her drawer with her knickers and socks
Time goes by
The nights are long, her miniskirts short
Now matter how I try
I'll never be able
To call you father
Even if it's proven in court
Mum's only one girl but she's “full o' love”
She's making up for all those lost years
“And mum, why can't you just put that nice trouser suit on?
You REALLY don't look like
Briii-tney Spears!”
I'm so angry that she left me on those “ma-time” nights
She hugged me and tucked me into bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She checked her tits and turned right away
So I'll just keep countin' them
I'll just keep countin' them
I'll just keep countin' them

There's Andy
And Randy
Michael, Tony, Gunther or whoever's handy
It's looking bad (real real bad)
I've seven or eight new dads

Keanu
And Cisco
And a whole platoon she met down at the disco
They're ex-Baghdad (ex-Baghdad)
I've got twenty three new dads!

Mother has been out all night
Another loser with no hair..