The legend lives on from Superior on down
of the freighter the north winds did peril.
They wanted to film, but who would get the helm
of the flick of the Edmund Fitzgerald?

The studio wired in a big director should spin
but they couldn't get Martin Scorcese.
They dumped Martin Brest because at his request
they would cast as Captain Patrick Swayze!

Down under they called but their decision stalled.
The producers won't take Peter Jackson.
If his "Rings" films held true, he might kill me and you.
'Twould not just be the crew he'd be waxin'.

For disastering flick, the big boss made his pick:
They would hire Quentin Tarantino.
A move they'd regret, he showed up on the set
in a '75 El Camino!

"Your duty," said Quent, "is to be heaven-sent
like my pal, the first mate, John Travolta."
But there was no chance the doomed ship had a dance
and John's Saturday night was much colder.

As helmsman on deck, Quent assigned Ben Affleck
to the dismay of boss Barry Diller.
As ham actors go, Ben's more painful than most.
Barry just knew this chump would be killer.

There was a complaint, though it seems very quaint
that no chicks were on board, they remembered.
On this seafaring tank, Quent wants Hillary Swank
who's experienced playing transgendered!

They filmed in Detroit, a big scene with Jon Voight
playing ship's Captain Ernest McSorley.
It soon became clear that he shouldn't be here
'cause the Midnight Cowboy acted poorly!

Does anyone know where the studio bucks go?
Everyone hoped that no one would notice.
But it ill behooved that the film would improve
if the cast now had Jennifer Lopez!

Why where they surprised at actor supersized
as poor Meat Loaf fell into the water?
And all that remains is the shocked look of shame
on Angelina Jolie, Voight's daughter!

They all dropped their jaw, and were dumbstruck with awe
when a crewman gave Gollum-like howl.
The Quent's vision flopped, but the film wasn't stopped.
Every critic hissed like Simon Cowell!

The filmgoers sighed and they gave a great cry
saying, "Fellas, here comes a new turkey."
They whipped out their bucks and they were sitting ducks
for the script and the lighting so murky.

In a musty old theater, customers gripe.
With the studio, they've got a quarrel.
The film's a poor job by the 29 swabs
on the deck of the Edmund Fitzgerald!

The legend lives on, how the film went way down
in scenario sticky and hairy.
The critics did bet, no Oscar would it get
but it did "win" a Golden Raspberry!