Making fun of music, one song at a time. Since the year 2000.
Check out the two amIright misheard lyrics books including one book devoted to misheard lyrics of the 1980s.
Song Parodies -> "It's (Almost) New Year's Eve"
Original Song Title:
"I Will Survive"
(MP3)Original Performer:
Gloria Gaynor
Parody Song Title:
"It's (Almost) New Year's Eve"
Parody Written by:
Philip the White-Haired Drummond
The Lyrics
For my last entry of the year, we're presenting the lost New Year's Eve episode of Diff'rent Strokes, where the Times Square Ball Drop is almost ruined, and it's up to Arnold Jackson to save it for the entire world. Can he do it? Tune in to find out.
Diff'rent Strokes Does New Year's Eve
Commissioned by Conrad Bain
INTRODUCTORY WARNING:
Conrad Bain: Hello, I'm Conrad Bain. Tonight on Diff'rent Strokes, we're shining a light on a dangerous has-been from the past, whose effects on the world can still be felt today. We encourage kids and parents alike, to watch this episode together, and then to discuss the subject matter presented, which is of deep concern to all of us. Thank you.
("DIFF'RENT STROKES" theme song plays)
Now, the world don't move, when those New Year's bells are rung,
They wait 'til midnight for, a ball drop with songs sung...
A new year's born, everybody screams,
Then along came who? Ed Wynn, screwing up their dreams...
So, who'll save -- New Year's Eve?
Who'll save -- New Year's Eve?
Arnold, save -- New Year's Eve for all the world!
Everybody's waiting for that Times Square glory,
Everybody finds a way to shine.
It don't matter that Ed Wynn's on the spot, so what?
Conrad Bain will (CENSORED) on New Year's night!
And together we'll be fine!
So, who'll save -- New Year's Eve for all the world,
Arnold does,
He'll save -- New Year's Eve for all the world!
(The Drummond kids are hanging around the house on New Year’s Eve, discussing their plans for the evening and their New Year’s resolutions. Just then, Phillip Drummond walks into the apartment.)
Phillip Drummond: Everybody, I have some exciting news for you all!
Willis: You’re retiring from your job?
Kimberly: I’m being admitted to a new college?
Arnold: New Year’s Eve was cancelled?
Phillip: Nope, nope, and no siree, Arnold. My company has just invited us all to be the guests of honor at the Times Square Ball Drop!
Arnold: Whatchu talkin’ about, Dad? (Studio laughter)
Phillip: Well, Trans-Allied says we’ll be advertising the ball drop, and I’ll get to advertise them on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Dick Clark. Then, just before midnight, we’ll all stand out in Times Square and watch the ball drop with our own eyes!
Kimberly: Ooh, that should be an exciting and fun-filled two minutes.
Phillip: Oh, lighten up, Kimberly. Your favorite band is playing tonight at Times Square.
Kimberly: I don’t have a favorite band.
Phillip: Whatchu talkin’ about, Kimberly? (More studio laughter)
Willis: Dad, isn’t this the celebration where Grandpa Magic is gonna try to ride the ball drop?
Phillip: No, Willis. The police have handled it and Grandpa Magic won’t be anywhere near Times Square tonight.
Arnold: But Dad, Grandpa Magic could wear a disguise tonight! What if we don’t find out before it’s too late?
Phillip: Kids, I trust the NYPD. They’re familiar with Grandpa Magic and his secret identities. He’s not gonna be anywhere near the ball drop tonight. Now get dressed, kids. We’re leaving in about 15 minutes. Cancel all your plans for the evening.
Willis: Alright, Dad. But if Grandpa Magic does show up, we’re gonna blame it on you.
Phillip Drummond: And if you keep that language up, Willis, you’ll wish that it was Grandpa Magic grounding you. No more talk about him, kids. I need to change into my tuxedo. Be ready to go at 7 o’clock sharp! (He dances upstairs into his room as he whistles, “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?”)
Willis: Boy, I sure hope Grandpa Magic doesn’t ruin New Year’s Eve. What are we gonna do if he does?
Arnold: We could launch fireworks underneath the ball drop if Grandpa Magic tries to ride it, and then he’d go flying into the air.
Kimberly: That will never work, Arnold.
Arnold: Whatchu talkin’ bout, Kimberly? (Studio laughter)
(Meanwhile, in his apartment, Ed Wynn is preparing a disguise to wear for tonight’s New Year’s Eve celebration.)
Ed Wynn: Woo-woo! Oh, I didn’t see ya there. Ya see, I’m gonna ruin the fair Times Square ball drop by riding the ball all the way down and cursing the New Year for everyone, y’know. Then I will finally have world domination, and I will destroy the planet, booh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!!!
Now, I’m gonna pretend to be an electrician who’s fixing the lights on the ball drop. Then I’ll sneak inside the ball just before it goes all the way uppity-up, y’know. When it’s 60 seconds to midnight, I’ll pop out and ride on the ball. Then when it’s midnight, I’ll curse everyone from the ball drop and there will be a bad year for everyone! A poo-poo, a woo-woo!!!
Random guy in audience: That will never work!
Ed Wynn: So-o-o-o?????
(Awkward studio laughter)
(Knock on the door)
Ed Wynn: Woo-woo! Hiya postal person, I'm gonna be the Fire Chief tonight! Tonight the new year's gonna be diff'rent!
Delivery guy: Here's your mail. Go F*** yourself. (slams door)
Ed Wynn: Aaurgh, I wonder what THIS could be??? (lets out stupid-@$$ laugh)
(He opens it. It's a signed photograph of Carole Lombard from 1930. Because Grandpa Magic...erm, uh... Ed Wynn lacks the ability to live in constructive reality, he thinks that it's an actual compliment. The signed photo just says, "Kiss my @$$".)
"WWWWWOOOOWWWWW! Huh Huh! She hasn't changed a bit!" He lands upside down on his head and jumps around his room, making noise so that everyone can hear. Oh, and he shoots out confetti from his fun zone. Need we say more?
(Inside Times Square, the Drummonds are standing outside)
Phillip Drummond: Wow, look at that ball, kids!!! It’s got thousands of electronic lights and my company is the sponsor! This will be a TERRIFIC new year!!!
Willis: Yeah, until Grandpa Magic ruins it for everybody.
Phillip Drummond: Oh, stop it, Willis. The NYPD has this all under control. If Grandpa Magic does show up, they’ll kick him out immediately.
Kimberly: You’re not facing the facts, Dad. Everyone at class says Grandpa Magic is gonna show up tonight.
Phillip Drummond: They’re lying. Now I don’t wanna hear another word about Grandpa Magic from you kids. Now I have to be on Rockin’ New Years Eve in 10 minutes. I’ll meet you all again when I’m finished.
Willis: Thanks, Dad.
Phillip: Okay, son. See you at 15 minutes to midnight!
Arnold: (praying) Please, no Grandpa Magic. Please, no Grandpa Magic. Please—
Kimberly: Arnold, are you PRAYING???!!!
Arnold: What??? NO!!!! My, uh, my hands were cold. It’s colder out here than in Siberia!
Willis: Let’s just hope Grandpa Magic doesn’t show up!
Arnold: Yeah, because if I see him, I’m gonna make him wish he never ruined New Year’s!!!
(Inside the Times Square building)
Drunk security guard: (*unintelligble*)
(Ed Wynn pretends to be an electrician, and ACTUALLY USES A NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE for once. Must have taken a ****ton of effort. Good job this time, Grandpa Magic.)
Ed Wynn: Hello, sir. I’m the electrician. There’s a problem with the lights in the ball drop and I need to fix it before midnight. Could you please lead me in?
Drunk security guard: *unintellgible* (Opens up door to roof access)
Ed Wynn: Thank you, sir. (Goes inside door, returns back to stupid obnoxious voice) The coast is clear!
(Up on the roof of Times Square, Ed Wynn sneaks into the ball. He changes his costume. Suddenly, the ball starts going up in the air. It’s time to set the ball from the very top.)
(Meanwhile, Phillip Drummond is doing his guest spot on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.)
Dick Clark: Ladies and gentlemen, Phillip Drummond, CEO of Trans-Allied, is here to do a quick well-wishing for all of us. And a-way you gooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillip Drummond: Good evening, everyone. Phillip Drummond here for Trans-Allied. Me and the entire Drummond family wish you a happy and healthy new year with lots of happiness. And for all of you concerned about Ed Wynn ruining New Year's for everyone, I have it on good authority that nothing bad will happen tonight. I have communicated with the NYPD and they are all working hard tonight to make sure he does not show up. I cannot thank them enough. Have a safe and happy new year from the good folks at Trans-Allied.
(After this, he goes back outside, and looks for the kids.)
Phillip Drummond: Arnold! Willis! Kimberly! Where are you???
Just then, a fat guy wearing pajamas and a bathrobe is playing bagpipes and annoying people. (Family Ties reference, episode “The Visit”, S5E26.)
Marv Sr. (Stuart Pankin): (Scottish accent) Do you guys got any requests?
Phillip Drummond: Yes, I do: “GET LOST!!!”
Arnold: How about “Auld Lang Syne”?
Phillip: Arnold!!! There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you! Where’s Willis and Kimberly?
Arnold: Oh, they’re inside the Times Square office building, asking if anyone there has seen Grandpa Magic.
Phillip: Oh no, that again? For the last time, Grandpa Magic isn’t gonna show up tonight!
Arnold: Well, there’s only ten minutes to midnight, Dad. Don’t blame me when Grandpa Magic pops out of that ball drop and destroys New Year’s for everyone.
(Willis and Kimberly run out of the Times Square office.)
Phillip: Oh, Willis and Kimberly, there you are, looking for Ed Wynn. So, did you find Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too?
Willis: Very funny, Dad.
Kimberly: No, no one at Times Square has seen Ed Wynn or any of his usual costumes.
Phillip: See, what did I tell you? There’s zero chance of Grandpa Magic showing up tonight. Not a chance. Now come on, kids, let’s get a good view of the ball drop.
(The Drummonds all look up at the ball on Times Square. It’s three minutes to midnight.)
Phillip: Great job being here with me tonight, kids. Next year is gonna be the greatest year of our lives!!!
Willis: Tell that to Grandpa Magic.
(Two minutes to midnight.)
Arnold: Hey Dad, if Grandpa Magic ruins New Year’s for everyone, will I get to skip school for the entire year?
Phillip: We’ll talk about that on the way to school tomorrow.
(Just then, a loud, stupid, giggly voice comes from the top of Times Square. Who else is it but…Grandpa Magic? No, wait, he’s the FIRE CHIEF?????)
Ed Wynn as the Fire Chief: Woo-woo! I’m the Fire Chief tonight, everyone! Tonight, the New Year’s gonna be DIFF’RENT, y’know! (Gives out stupid giggle) And if any of yous tries to DARITY-DARE to stop me, I will put a curse on humanity and you will all be stuck with me forever!!!!
(The Drummonds all scream in unison.)
Phillip: Oh, no! If Ed Wynn rides that ball drop all the way down until midnight, then New Year’s will be ruined!!!
Kimberly: Dad, what do we do?
Phillip: I know! Uh, excuse me, officer?
Tom Selleck (Frank Reagan): You called?
Phillip: Call your walkie-talkie. Get Ed Wynn out of the ball drop at once.
Tom Selleck (Frank Reagan): Will do. (contacts chief of police on top of Times Square) Hello, Chief? Do whatever you can to get Ed Wynn out of the ball drop.
Police Chief: We’ve done everything we can, Frank. The ball drop is already on its way down. It can’t be stopped, it’s on a mechanical timer.
Frank Reagan: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, chief?
Phillip Drummond: What’s he saying?
Tom Selleck (Frank Reagan): He says there’s nothing he can do.
Ed Wynn: WOO-WOO! None of you guys and gals ain’t gonna stop me now!!! Ah-booh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!!!!!
(45 seconds to midnight)
Arnold: WAIT!!! Put some fireworks underneath the ball drop. Do it now!!!
Tom Selleck (Frank Reagan): Got it. Uh, Chief, are there any fireworks up there?
Police Chief: There are about ten packages of super powerful fireworks.
Tom Selleck (Frank Reagan): Place them under the ball drop. Light every one of them NOW!!!!
(Thirty seconds left)
Phillip Drummond: Oh, Arnold, I sure hope this works.
Ed Wynn: This year’s gonna be DIFF’RENT, y’know!!!
(On top of Times Square)
Police Chief: Are all the fireworks placed under the ball drop?
Assistant: Yes, sir!!!
Police Chief: Good! Light ‘em up!
Assistant: Yes, sir!!! (Lights all fireworks)
(15 seconds left)
Ed Wynn: I’m gonna make hiztoreh!!!!!!!!!!
Phillip Drummond: Dear God, please don’t let us down!!!
Dick Clark on ABC: Well, Ed Wynn is gonna destroy us all.
(TEN SECONDS LEFT!!! The Times Square crowd counts down from ten.)
“TEN!!! … NINE!!! … EIGHT!!!”
(The fireworks are about to go off.)
Drummond Family: Please!!! Go off!!! GO OFF!!!!
Ed Wynn: Here we goooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
“SEVEN!!! … SIX!!! … FIVE!!! … FOUR!!!”
Phillip Drummond: HURRY UP!!! HURRY UP!!!
Suddenly, the fireworks go off. The Times Square Ball goes all the way up the mast, eventually flying off of it, and Ed Wynn is flung into the air. New Year’s Eve is saved with just three seconds left.
The last words of the Fire Chief were:
“The Fire Chief beats them all! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Oh BTW, Ed Wynn pooped his pants because of how surprised he was. Need we say more?)
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#
The Times Square Ball lands over a hundred miles west, into some vast farmland. It crashes into the ground at the stroke of midnight. While there, a young couple is by a campfire.
“Mmm…it’s peaceful out here.”
“Yeah.”
“Aww, an owl!”
“Yup. And a bullfrog.”
(“Wynn beats them all, whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!!!!!”)
“Is that a coyote?”
“No, that’s Ed Wynn trying to be relevant with another one of his stupid inventions.”
“Oh, yeah. I hear him now! What a jerk!!!”
Kansas Lottery executive: Hey, let's steal Ed Wynn's tagline and use it in our new radio commercial!
Other KS Lottery executive: You are an GENIUS!!!
#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
“THREE!!! … TWO!!! … ONE!!!!!!!!”
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!”
Phillip Drummond: You did it, Arnold! You did it!!! You saved New Year’s Eve!!!
Kimberly: And New Year’s Day, too!
Arnold: I did? I really did!!!
Willis: Three cheers for Arnold!
Everyone surrounding Arnold Drummond: HIP, HIP, HOORAY!!! HIP, HIP, HOORAY!!! HIP, HIP, HOORAY!!! (They all lift up Arnold over their shoulders and carry him through Times Square as “Auld Lang Syne” plays.)
Dick Clark on ABC: Well folks, that was the wildest New Year’s Eve ball drop I’ve ever seen. Good thing Arnold Jackson was there to save us all from the dangers of Ed Wynn. Thanks for being with us, and stay safe from Ed Wynn, forever and always. Happy New Year, everybody. And I...am...outta here!!! (shoots himself with a pistol)
(The next morning, at the Drummond household…)
Phillip Drummond: Arnold, I don’t know how we can ever thank you. You saved New Year’s for the entire world.
Arnold: Well, just chalk it up to the wit and creativity of Arnold Jackson.
Phillip: That may be true, but you have to chalk up my shortsightedness to Phillip Drummond. We all should have listened to you, Arnold.
Arnold: Aww, thanks, Dad.
Willis: We love you, buddy.
Kimberly: Yeah, thanks for saving us!
(Door knocks on the Drummond’s apartment.)
Phillip Drummond: Oh, I wonder who that could be. (Opens door.)
Ed Wynn as “Grandpa Magic”: Uh, magic delivery. Five buckets of exploding confetti to be dumped onto the entire, uh, “Dnommrud”, no that’s “Drummond” family. Here ya gooooooooo!!!!!!!
Philip Drummond (as loud as possible): ARNOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arnold: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Da--
(Confetti buckets are thrown over the entire Drummond family, and the entire penthouse explodes. The screen freezes, and the credits are shown.)
VOICEOVER BY CONRAD BAIN:
If you or anyone else sees Ed Wynn on national television this holiday season, contact local law enforcement immediately. The dangers of Ed Wynn cannot be understated. We must all do our part to help create a happy new year for us all. Have a safe and happy New Year.
("DIFF'RENT STROKES" theme song plays)
Now, the world don't move, when those New Year's bells are rung,
They wait 'til midnight for, a ball drop with songs sung...
A new year's born, everybody screams,
Then along came who? Ed Wynn, screwing up their dreams...
So, who'll save -- New Year's Eve?
Who'll save -- New Year's Eve?
He'll save -- New Year's Eve for all the world!
Arnold does,
He'll save -- New Year's Eve for all the world! ("Mmmmmm......")
DISTRIBUTED BY SONY PICTURES TELEVISION
Commissioned by Conrad Bain
INTRODUCTORY WARNING:
Conrad Bain: Hello, I'm Conrad Bain. Tonight on Diff'rent Strokes, we're shining a light on a dangerous has-been from the past, whose effects on the world can still be felt today. We encourage kids and parents alike, to watch this episode together, and then to discuss the subject matter presented, which is of deep concern to all of us. Thank you.
("DIFF'RENT STROKES" theme song plays)
Now, the world don't move, when those New Year's bells are rung,
They wait 'til midnight for, a ball drop with songs sung...
A new year's born, everybody screams,
Then along came who? Ed Wynn, screwing up their dreams...
So, who'll save -- New Year's Eve?
Who'll save -- New Year's Eve?
Arnold, save -- New Year's Eve for all the world!
Everybody's waiting for that Times Square glory,
Everybody finds a way to shine.
It don't matter that Ed Wynn's on the spot, so what?
Conrad Bain will (CENSORED) on New Year's night!
And together we'll be fine!
So, who'll save -- New Year's Eve for all the world,
Arnold does,
He'll save -- New Year's Eve for all the world!
(The Drummond kids are hanging around the house on New Year’s Eve, discussing their plans for the evening and their New Year’s resolutions. Just then, Phillip Drummond walks into the apartment.)
Phillip Drummond: Everybody, I have some exciting news for you all!
Willis: You’re retiring from your job?
Kimberly: I’m being admitted to a new college?
Arnold: New Year’s Eve was cancelled?
Phillip: Nope, nope, and no siree, Arnold. My company has just invited us all to be the guests of honor at the Times Square Ball Drop!
Arnold: Whatchu talkin’ about, Dad? (Studio laughter)
Phillip: Well, Trans-Allied says we’ll be advertising the ball drop, and I’ll get to advertise them on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Dick Clark. Then, just before midnight, we’ll all stand out in Times Square and watch the ball drop with our own eyes!
Kimberly: Ooh, that should be an exciting and fun-filled two minutes.
Phillip: Oh, lighten up, Kimberly. Your favorite band is playing tonight at Times Square.
Kimberly: I don’t have a favorite band.
Phillip: Whatchu talkin’ about, Kimberly? (More studio laughter)
Willis: Dad, isn’t this the celebration where Grandpa Magic is gonna try to ride the ball drop?
Phillip: No, Willis. The police have handled it and Grandpa Magic won’t be anywhere near Times Square tonight.
Arnold: But Dad, Grandpa Magic could wear a disguise tonight! What if we don’t find out before it’s too late?
Phillip: Kids, I trust the NYPD. They’re familiar with Grandpa Magic and his secret identities. He’s not gonna be anywhere near the ball drop tonight. Now get dressed, kids. We’re leaving in about 15 minutes. Cancel all your plans for the evening.
Willis: Alright, Dad. But if Grandpa Magic does show up, we’re gonna blame it on you.
Phillip Drummond: And if you keep that language up, Willis, you’ll wish that it was Grandpa Magic grounding you. No more talk about him, kids. I need to change into my tuxedo. Be ready to go at 7 o’clock sharp! (He dances upstairs into his room as he whistles, “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?”)
Willis: Boy, I sure hope Grandpa Magic doesn’t ruin New Year’s Eve. What are we gonna do if he does?
Arnold: We could launch fireworks underneath the ball drop if Grandpa Magic tries to ride it, and then he’d go flying into the air.
Kimberly: That will never work, Arnold.
Arnold: Whatchu talkin’ bout, Kimberly? (Studio laughter)
(Meanwhile, in his apartment, Ed Wynn is preparing a disguise to wear for tonight’s New Year’s Eve celebration.)
Ed Wynn: Woo-woo! Oh, I didn’t see ya there. Ya see, I’m gonna ruin the fair Times Square ball drop by riding the ball all the way down and cursing the New Year for everyone, y’know. Then I will finally have world domination, and I will destroy the planet, booh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!!!
Now, I’m gonna pretend to be an electrician who’s fixing the lights on the ball drop. Then I’ll sneak inside the ball just before it goes all the way uppity-up, y’know. When it’s 60 seconds to midnight, I’ll pop out and ride on the ball. Then when it’s midnight, I’ll curse everyone from the ball drop and there will be a bad year for everyone! A poo-poo, a woo-woo!!!
Random guy in audience: That will never work!
Ed Wynn: So-o-o-o?????
(Awkward studio laughter)
(Knock on the door)
Ed Wynn: Woo-woo! Hiya postal person, I'm gonna be the Fire Chief tonight! Tonight the new year's gonna be diff'rent!
Delivery guy: Here's your mail. Go F*** yourself. (slams door)
Ed Wynn: Aaurgh, I wonder what THIS could be??? (lets out stupid-@$$ laugh)
(He opens it. It's a signed photograph of Carole Lombard from 1930. Because Grandpa Magic...erm, uh... Ed Wynn lacks the ability to live in constructive reality, he thinks that it's an actual compliment. The signed photo just says, "Kiss my @$$".)
"WWWWWOOOOWWWWW! Huh Huh! She hasn't changed a bit!" He lands upside down on his head and jumps around his room, making noise so that everyone can hear. Oh, and he shoots out confetti from his fun zone. Need we say more?
(Inside Times Square, the Drummonds are standing outside)
Phillip Drummond: Wow, look at that ball, kids!!! It’s got thousands of electronic lights and my company is the sponsor! This will be a TERRIFIC new year!!!
Willis: Yeah, until Grandpa Magic ruins it for everybody.
Phillip Drummond: Oh, stop it, Willis. The NYPD has this all under control. If Grandpa Magic does show up, they’ll kick him out immediately.
Kimberly: You’re not facing the facts, Dad. Everyone at class says Grandpa Magic is gonna show up tonight.
Phillip Drummond: They’re lying. Now I don’t wanna hear another word about Grandpa Magic from you kids. Now I have to be on Rockin’ New Years Eve in 10 minutes. I’ll meet you all again when I’m finished.
Willis: Thanks, Dad.
Phillip: Okay, son. See you at 15 minutes to midnight!
Arnold: (praying) Please, no Grandpa Magic. Please, no Grandpa Magic. Please—
Kimberly: Arnold, are you PRAYING???!!!
Arnold: What??? NO!!!! My, uh, my hands were cold. It’s colder out here than in Siberia!
Willis: Let’s just hope Grandpa Magic doesn’t show up!
Arnold: Yeah, because if I see him, I’m gonna make him wish he never ruined New Year’s!!!
(Inside the Times Square building)
Drunk security guard: (*unintelligble*)
(Ed Wynn pretends to be an electrician, and ACTUALLY USES A NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE for once. Must have taken a ****ton of effort. Good job this time, Grandpa Magic.)
Ed Wynn: Hello, sir. I’m the electrician. There’s a problem with the lights in the ball drop and I need to fix it before midnight. Could you please lead me in?
Drunk security guard: *unintellgible* (Opens up door to roof access)
Ed Wynn: Thank you, sir. (Goes inside door, returns back to stupid obnoxious voice) The coast is clear!
(Up on the roof of Times Square, Ed Wynn sneaks into the ball. He changes his costume. Suddenly, the ball starts going up in the air. It’s time to set the ball from the very top.)
(Meanwhile, Phillip Drummond is doing his guest spot on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.)
Dick Clark: Ladies and gentlemen, Phillip Drummond, CEO of Trans-Allied, is here to do a quick well-wishing for all of us. And a-way you gooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillip Drummond: Good evening, everyone. Phillip Drummond here for Trans-Allied. Me and the entire Drummond family wish you a happy and healthy new year with lots of happiness. And for all of you concerned about Ed Wynn ruining New Year's for everyone, I have it on good authority that nothing bad will happen tonight. I have communicated with the NYPD and they are all working hard tonight to make sure he does not show up. I cannot thank them enough. Have a safe and happy new year from the good folks at Trans-Allied.
(After this, he goes back outside, and looks for the kids.)
Phillip Drummond: Arnold! Willis! Kimberly! Where are you???
Just then, a fat guy wearing pajamas and a bathrobe is playing bagpipes and annoying people. (Family Ties reference, episode “The Visit”, S5E26.)
Marv Sr. (Stuart Pankin): (Scottish accent) Do you guys got any requests?
Phillip Drummond: Yes, I do: “GET LOST!!!”
Arnold: How about “Auld Lang Syne”?
Phillip: Arnold!!! There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you! Where’s Willis and Kimberly?
Arnold: Oh, they’re inside the Times Square office building, asking if anyone there has seen Grandpa Magic.
Phillip: Oh no, that again? For the last time, Grandpa Magic isn’t gonna show up tonight!
Arnold: Well, there’s only ten minutes to midnight, Dad. Don’t blame me when Grandpa Magic pops out of that ball drop and destroys New Year’s for everyone.
(Willis and Kimberly run out of the Times Square office.)
Phillip: Oh, Willis and Kimberly, there you are, looking for Ed Wynn. So, did you find Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too?
Willis: Very funny, Dad.
Kimberly: No, no one at Times Square has seen Ed Wynn or any of his usual costumes.
Phillip: See, what did I tell you? There’s zero chance of Grandpa Magic showing up tonight. Not a chance. Now come on, kids, let’s get a good view of the ball drop.
(The Drummonds all look up at the ball on Times Square. It’s three minutes to midnight.)
Phillip: Great job being here with me tonight, kids. Next year is gonna be the greatest year of our lives!!!
Willis: Tell that to Grandpa Magic.
(Two minutes to midnight.)
Arnold: Hey Dad, if Grandpa Magic ruins New Year’s for everyone, will I get to skip school for the entire year?
Phillip: We’ll talk about that on the way to school tomorrow.
(Just then, a loud, stupid, giggly voice comes from the top of Times Square. Who else is it but…Grandpa Magic? No, wait, he’s the FIRE CHIEF?????)
Ed Wynn as the Fire Chief: Woo-woo! I’m the Fire Chief tonight, everyone! Tonight, the New Year’s gonna be DIFF’RENT, y’know! (Gives out stupid giggle) And if any of yous tries to DARITY-DARE to stop me, I will put a curse on humanity and you will all be stuck with me forever!!!!
(The Drummonds all scream in unison.)
Phillip: Oh, no! If Ed Wynn rides that ball drop all the way down until midnight, then New Year’s will be ruined!!!
Kimberly: Dad, what do we do?
Phillip: I know! Uh, excuse me, officer?
Tom Selleck (Frank Reagan): You called?
Phillip: Call your walkie-talkie. Get Ed Wynn out of the ball drop at once.
Tom Selleck (Frank Reagan): Will do. (contacts chief of police on top of Times Square) Hello, Chief? Do whatever you can to get Ed Wynn out of the ball drop.
Police Chief: We’ve done everything we can, Frank. The ball drop is already on its way down. It can’t be stopped, it’s on a mechanical timer.
Frank Reagan: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, chief?
Phillip Drummond: What’s he saying?
Tom Selleck (Frank Reagan): He says there’s nothing he can do.
Ed Wynn: WOO-WOO! None of you guys and gals ain’t gonna stop me now!!! Ah-booh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!!!!!
(45 seconds to midnight)
Arnold: WAIT!!! Put some fireworks underneath the ball drop. Do it now!!!
Tom Selleck (Frank Reagan): Got it. Uh, Chief, are there any fireworks up there?
Police Chief: There are about ten packages of super powerful fireworks.
Tom Selleck (Frank Reagan): Place them under the ball drop. Light every one of them NOW!!!!
(Thirty seconds left)
Phillip Drummond: Oh, Arnold, I sure hope this works.
Ed Wynn: This year’s gonna be DIFF’RENT, y’know!!!
(On top of Times Square)
Police Chief: Are all the fireworks placed under the ball drop?
Assistant: Yes, sir!!!
Police Chief: Good! Light ‘em up!
Assistant: Yes, sir!!! (Lights all fireworks)
(15 seconds left)
Ed Wynn: I’m gonna make hiztoreh!!!!!!!!!!
Phillip Drummond: Dear God, please don’t let us down!!!
Dick Clark on ABC: Well, Ed Wynn is gonna destroy us all.
(TEN SECONDS LEFT!!! The Times Square crowd counts down from ten.)
“TEN!!! … NINE!!! … EIGHT!!!”
(The fireworks are about to go off.)
Drummond Family: Please!!! Go off!!! GO OFF!!!!
Ed Wynn: Here we goooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
“SEVEN!!! … SIX!!! … FIVE!!! … FOUR!!!”
Phillip Drummond: HURRY UP!!! HURRY UP!!!
Suddenly, the fireworks go off. The Times Square Ball goes all the way up the mast, eventually flying off of it, and Ed Wynn is flung into the air. New Year’s Eve is saved with just three seconds left.
The last words of the Fire Chief were:
“The Fire Chief beats them all! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
(Oh BTW, Ed Wynn pooped his pants because of how surprised he was. Need we say more?)
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#
The Times Square Ball lands over a hundred miles west, into some vast farmland. It crashes into the ground at the stroke of midnight. While there, a young couple is by a campfire.
“Mmm…it’s peaceful out here.”
“Yeah.”
“Aww, an owl!”
“Yup. And a bullfrog.”
(“Wynn beats them all, whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!!!!!”)
“Is that a coyote?”
“No, that’s Ed Wynn trying to be relevant with another one of his stupid inventions.”
“Oh, yeah. I hear him now! What a jerk!!!”
Kansas Lottery executive: Hey, let's steal Ed Wynn's tagline and use it in our new radio commercial!
Other KS Lottery executive: You are an GENIUS!!!
#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
“THREE!!! … TWO!!! … ONE!!!!!!!!”
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!”
Phillip Drummond: You did it, Arnold! You did it!!! You saved New Year’s Eve!!!
Kimberly: And New Year’s Day, too!
Arnold: I did? I really did!!!
Willis: Three cheers for Arnold!
Everyone surrounding Arnold Drummond: HIP, HIP, HOORAY!!! HIP, HIP, HOORAY!!! HIP, HIP, HOORAY!!! (They all lift up Arnold over their shoulders and carry him through Times Square as “Auld Lang Syne” plays.)
Dick Clark on ABC: Well folks, that was the wildest New Year’s Eve ball drop I’ve ever seen. Good thing Arnold Jackson was there to save us all from the dangers of Ed Wynn. Thanks for being with us, and stay safe from Ed Wynn, forever and always. Happy New Year, everybody. And I...am...outta here!!! (shoots himself with a pistol)
(The next morning, at the Drummond household…)
Phillip Drummond: Arnold, I don’t know how we can ever thank you. You saved New Year’s for the entire world.
Arnold: Well, just chalk it up to the wit and creativity of Arnold Jackson.
Phillip: That may be true, but you have to chalk up my shortsightedness to Phillip Drummond. We all should have listened to you, Arnold.
Arnold: Aww, thanks, Dad.
Willis: We love you, buddy.
Kimberly: Yeah, thanks for saving us!
(Door knocks on the Drummond’s apartment.)
Phillip Drummond: Oh, I wonder who that could be. (Opens door.)
Ed Wynn as “Grandpa Magic”: Uh, magic delivery. Five buckets of exploding confetti to be dumped onto the entire, uh, “Dnommrud”, no that’s “Drummond” family. Here ya gooooooooo!!!!!!!
Philip Drummond (as loud as possible): ARNOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arnold: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Da--
(Confetti buckets are thrown over the entire Drummond family, and the entire penthouse explodes. The screen freezes, and the credits are shown.)
VOICEOVER BY CONRAD BAIN:
If you or anyone else sees Ed Wynn on national television this holiday season, contact local law enforcement immediately. The dangers of Ed Wynn cannot be understated. We must all do our part to help create a happy new year for us all. Have a safe and happy New Year.
("DIFF'RENT STROKES" theme song plays)
Now, the world don't move, when those New Year's bells are rung,
They wait 'til midnight for, a ball drop with songs sung...
A new year's born, everybody screams,
Then along came who? Ed Wynn, screwing up their dreams...
So, who'll save -- New Year's Eve?
Who'll save -- New Year's Eve?
He'll save -- New Year's Eve for all the world!
Arnold does,
He'll save -- New Year's Eve for all the world! ("Mmmmmm......")
DISTRIBUTED BY SONY PICTURES TELEVISION
Diff'rent Strokes is owned by Sony Pictures Entertainment. No copyright infringement is intended. Have a safe and happy New Year.
Your Vote & Comment Counts
The parody authors spend a lot of time writing parodies for the website and they appreciate feedback in the form of votes and comments. Please take some time to leave a comment below about this parody.
Place Your Vote |
Voting Results
| ||||||||||||||||||
Voting Breakdown
The following represent how many people voted for each category.
| Pacing | How Funny | Overall Rating | |||||||||
| 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 3 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 4 | 0 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 5 | 14 | 14 | 14 |
User Comments
Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.
Delightfully clever! I loved it.
So I know I promised I’d take New Year’s Eve off and spare you all from my antics for the rest of the year, but it wouldn’t be four days before New Year’s Eve if I didn’t reprise an album I never listened to and tie it to some 80’s sitcom while creating a fake narrative about how some has-been from the past is the boogeyman/harbinger for World War 3. It would be pointless to write about anything in my life ‘cuz as you all know, I’m a shallow, brainless hack who’ll spend the rest of my life trying to annoy as many people as possible, so it’s copy, copy, copy, paste, paste, paste ‘til the day I die. As you can tell by today’s entry, there’s nothing more trite and fake than connecting Diff’rent Strokes and Ed Wynn/Grandpa Magic together to create the fakest and dumbist narrative ever, but obviously I have nothing against repeats. Oh, and “Simple as the day is long.”
Your life has been a complete waste since you convinced yourself you were good at copy/pasting commentary. I doubt that took much effort, but then again neither does anything you post here.
Tardsy! You’re back! For the eight billionth time! On behalf of the board, thanks for nothing. I see you’re too stupid to give it a rest even on holidays, so thanks for ruining New Year’s Eve as well as everyone’s Friday. I see you’re back to the “Ed Wynn is Satan” narrative again, which means that the Grandpa Magic tactic (X beats them all, etc) will be making its appearance soon. Not that it already has, mind you. What’s it like to know you have the lowest IQ of anyone in the United States? Again, no one’s surprised you’re incapable to write your own comments, albeit under my name. One in particular has several questions that remain unanswered. Are things too hectic out there at the rest home or are you too much of a coward to answer them? Oh wait, you’re incapable of thinking of replies to answers anymore, and I wouldn’t want you to waste the exertion on that. Never mind. Lastly, as it isn’t even New Year’s Eve yet, I’ll be content in actually following through on my resolutions, knowing that you’ll continue to dream of hugging Phillip Drummond’s phallus ‘till you die because you’re too effing stupid to make any positive changes in your life, let alone move past tropes that only you could find interesting and beat them into the ground, 365 days a year. I wish you well with another year of annoying as many people as possible. Happy New…Darrrrrrr.
I’ll wish you an equally interesting New Year’s wish as well. If you can listen to “Rhythm Steps” JUST ONCE and give us your thoughts on it before midnight on New Year’s Eve, I won’t post any more entries in 2025 or beyond. All you have to do is play it once, and I’ll stop posting on here permanently. I just hope you don’t regret me asking you this question. I’m sure there are times where you wish that you had been a fireman instead of a philosopher. I wish you were, too. Have a new year.
It’s 11:15 am. No reply from our “real” philosopher. Is he too preoccupied with being offended by today’s entry to write a commentary? Seems like he’s the common denominator today (I don’t know what that means). Darrrrrrrrr.
It’s 4:30 pm. No reply from our “real” philosopher yet. Is he too preoccupied with being offended by today’s entry to write a commentary? Seems like he’s the common denominator today. Such a shame, as he’s missing out on some truly great commentary.
10:50 pm. And with that, we can officially close this discussion. Unfortunately, Phil Ossifer was too much of a coward to show up and comment today, so this entry has run its course. I would have loved to have seen his take on this entry, but that was not meant to be. This will be my last entry in 2024, and probably my last one ever seeing as how no one wants to read them anymore. The whole purpose of posting this entry has been ruined now, so it can be removed.
The author of the parody has authorized comments, and wants YOUR feedback.
Link To This Page
The address of this page is: http://www.amiright.com/parody/70s/gloriagaynor58.shtml For help, see the examples of how to link to this page.
This is view # 63
