Oh, Luke, do not be mad
When I tell you I'm your Dad
Honest, it's a blessing, not a curse
Though I missed the whole palaver
Of being there as father
Gotta say things could be so much worse, so

Come on, Luke, join the Dark Side of the Force
{Tries to whistle through respirator}
Come on, Luke, join the Dark Side of the Force
{Whistle..ish}

The Dark Side's jolly rotten
In case you had forgotten
It's fun just doing nasty evil things
When you're bad and feeling low
You just nuke 'em 'till they glow
And glorify in carnage and then sing:

Oh, come on, Luke, join the Dark Side of the Force
{Husky whistle}
Come on, Luke, join the Dark Side of the Force
{Emphysemic whistle}

Forget that Obi-Wan
Just an Obi-wanker, man
Forget that green and pointy-eared freak
No feelings of remorse
On the dark side of the force
Those goody-goody Jedi are just weak

Oh, come on, Luke, join the Dark Side of the Force
{Asthmatic whistle}
Come on, Luke, join the Dark Side of the Force
{Near-death-rattle whistle}

It's better for your health
To think only of yourself
Leave those rebels, sure that they can cope
And join me, as a man
It's all in the Emperor's plan
(Though he looks a lot like the new Pope)

Oh, come on, Luke, join the Dark Side of the Force
Come on, Luke, join the Dark Side of the Force
{repeat with ad-libbed persuasion, til the final cut}