on a dark country highway
in my candy apple corvair
a warm smell of feces
need to change underwear
up ahead in the distance
i saw a sickening sight
tank near empty
n the lights is dim
reckon ill stop for the night

the sign outside said VACANCY
so i punched a bell
dog mess everywhere i step
holy cow, oh my god, what a smell
then she fired up a lantern
and she showed me her face
false teeth in an old fruit jar
i thought i heard them say

welcome to the motel californie
such an ugly place
filled with toxic waste
plenty of room at the motel californie
oh this place is weird
gosh im really skeered!

the faucets werent PricePFister
UGH!
scortched mah contact lens
hot said cold and
the cold said hot
the wall heater burnt the hair
off my shins!
my room resembled a scrap-yared
from a busted up TV set
rain was blowin thru mah winderz!
now my beds soaking wet!

so i called up room service
for a cheeseburger and fries
that thing tasted like it been cooked
back in 1969
went to the old maid's chamber
for a clean change of sheets
somebody stabbed her with an old buck-knife
she was cold dead and deceased
oh ho ho now!
last thing i remember
i busted down my room door
feelin naucious as my stomach churned
from the scene i just seen before
took the ex-lax on the nightstand
here on the toilet i set
as soon as i get my but butt up from here
im gonna call up Tom Bodette

welcome to the motel californie
oh i aint feelin well
cause the room sure smells
have you enjoyed your stay at the motel californie?
surely you got some rest
HELL I FROZE TO DEATH!

stalagtites from the ceiling
thermostat covered with ice
how i longed for a holiday inn
or a motel 6 would be nice!