Many years ago
In the funny papers
I read about a mythic place
Where decent folk refused to go
It was always thirty two below
And the manners of the people, a disgrace

In the summer they would shiver
They dined on roots and aardvark liver
At cleanliness were inept
The soldiers marched in goosestep
Our cruise ship's destination, missed
And all the passengers were pissed
But Al Capp's country does exist

We landed there today

(Here's where we're staying)

Fie! Fie! This Slobbovian sty
Picturesque accommodation with a knacker's yard nigh
And little boys distilling whiskey and rye
They were growing pot to get themselves high
Growing pot to get themselves high

If you wrote the tourist guide
This is one place you would want to hide
Remember that I told you so
Here they don't believe in Civil Rights
They wear jackboots in the dark of night
The rooms are bugged, that doesn't just mean mites

The hotel staff, a mötley crüe
Sprinkle umlauts in the türtle stëw
You'll drench yourself in booze
While singing "The Summertime Blues"
And if you should do everything legally
The cops won't show a lot of sympathy
They'll lock you up and they'll toss the key

It means they wan't a bribe

(They don't take glotnies)

Strife! Strife! Foul corruption is rife
Mayor cheating on his mistress, making love to her wife
And the President is self appointed for life
Better watch your back, look out for a knife
Watch your back, look out for a knife

Well, the first week I was on my own
In a hell-hole far away from home
That's not how it ought to be
The beaches ankle deep in oil
And the hotel room in potting soil
Breakfast? Guess I'll have to grow my own

Hooker came around each day
So ugly SHE would have to pay
Her offers I did spurn
No glotnies would I earn
Each morning read "The Daily Dreck"
For outbound vessels I would check
I soon became a nervous wreck

And then, the smoke, I spied

(I started shouting)

Dire! Dire! All the streets are on fire
Burning acres, cops in Studebakers spinning their tires
While flames were licking at the Saint Vitus spire
Some men with ladders rescued the choir
Men with ladders rescued the choir

Sunday, went to the market place
A dirty, overcrowded place
Full of useless odds and ends
You must be nimble, must be quick
And wary of the sellers' tricks
The policemen are the swindlers' closest friends

There was too much to see it all
8-track tapes in a vender's stall
A naked Barbie doll
Genuine Super Ball
Bought a switchblade knife like one I'd seen
In a movie starring Jimmy Dean
Some cherry bombs, they were mighty keen

I'll have to sneak them home

(Then I'll flush 'em)

Rave! Rave! All the glotnies I'll save
A deal so irresistible, I bought me a slave
But when I saw the tax that I'd have to pay
I set him free the very next day
Set him free the very next day

"Ankdon, ankblon*, my emancipator
I've waited years for a liberator
Now I think it's only right
To be your guide, show you the sights
And try to keep you out of fights
You'll get beaten if you take the beaten path

At first we drove out to the sticks
A Chrysler, nineteen eighty six
Next came Saint Vitus church
Somebody was getting the "urge"
At an unmolested altar boy
An old monsignor leered with joy
"I won't let him be your toy"

I gave the kid my knife

(Then came a news flash)

Down! Down! The stock* market was down
Brokers leaping in the river, they were trying to drown
A year-long drought and now the channel was dry
This won't be the way that they die
This won't be the way that they die

I met a man who had no shoes
He had hocked them for a pint of booze
I just turned my head and smirked
I'll go back to the shopping mall
Where I'd booked my journey just last fall
And punch that travel agent, what a jerk

By now my sandals smelled like dung
And I understood their vulgar tongue
Some gutter words are spoken
It sounds a lot like chokin'
And the finest plane I ever knew
A Junkers J.U. Fifty Two
Into the sunset, safely flew

I waved my "slave" goodbye

(An advertisement)

I won't miss Slobbovian pie
With it's Silly Putty texture, takes an hour to fry
And costs a half a dozen glotnies to buy
I'm using one to swat at a fly
Using one to swat at a fly

(And if you act now)

Buy, buy my Slobbovian pie
A perfect bug repellant, watch 'em drop from the sky
A secret blend of fine Tomacco and lye
You'll be glad you gave it a try
You'll be glad you gave it a try.