Machine-gun farts RING out - through the party night
Exit all the dancers - from the discotheque floor
The hostess ENTERS - in a state of fright
She cries out "MY GOD!!!!....He's killed them all!"
Here comes the story of Bad-Ass Wayne
the man society came to blame
for something that he never done
He was ridiculed, but ONE...
time he coulda been...
the king of that dance floor

Three men who were in that room, the hostess sees
one of them, named Bello, movin' around mysteriously
"I was just bending over," this Bello guy said,
"fiddling with the volume of the stereo set...
- but I saw Wayne hang around a bit long!
seemed he was ENJOYING taking in that foul pong"
and then the hostess asked around...
Did anybody SEE - what went DOWN?
on this hot New Jersey night!

Meanwhile, not far away, in the corner of the lounge
Bad-Ass Wayne was giggling at what had just gone down
He said he'd never SMELT a fart like that - there was no doubt
a horrible horrible load was just preparin' to come out
But then the hostess saw him THERE - and she screamed
"It's just like the time before and the time before that!
You wreck parties where-ever you GO!
- I'd rather you not SHOW......
UP!
at ALL!
if you're gonna let one blow!"

Now Bad-Ass Wayne could clear a church with just one lunch
but lately he'd stopped doing it - all that much
"I've matured," he said, "now I do it for fun
only on my lonesome - when it don't upset no-one...
To - me - it's - para-dise!
I let one rip and the air smells nice
I like to TAKE a deep inhale
it's not FAIR I'm being IMPALED.....
when I didn't do nothin' wrong!

Meanwhile Bello's buddies were whisp'ring to themselves
"We'll say we saw Wayne high-fiving - over by the shelves"
They worked out their story, then they went to the hostess
There's something we should tell you, miss, about this awful mess
And the hostess listened - then she shook her head
"That sonofabitch is gonna WISH he was dead"
then she took him to the lavat-o-ry...
to force him to re-fart, so SHE....
could SEE...
if HE...
WAS the guilty man!

Four in the morning and Wayne was still unable
coz, usually, by this time he was out under a table
The hostess' friends say, "Maybe.....HE aint the guy"
but the hostess said "well someone's gotta pay for this crime"
Yes here's the story of Bad-Ass Wayne
the man society came to blame
for somethin' that he never done
he was ridiculed but ONE...
time he coulda been
the king of that dance floor

Four months later, Bad-Ass Wayne is sitting in his home
noone ever asks him out - he spends his days alone
while Bello and his mates, they are STILL parading 'round
they didn't care about the way they'd run Wayne outta town
Thought THEY were doing society a favour
Grounding Bad-Ass WAYNE is an ozone-layer saver
They had to PUT that ass in stir!
they had to pin that awful BUR....
-bler on HIM!
coz he aint no gentleman Jim!

Bad-Ass Wayne was ostracised and falsely condemned
just for having priors, though he thought he'd made amends
Bello and his buddies - they ALL boldly lied
and the hostess, well, she simply went along for the ride
How can the LIFE of such a master
be in the palm of silent farters?
To see him obviously framed
couldn't help but make me feel ASHAMED.....
to live in a town
where justice is a game

Now Bello gets to sit around, in his coat and his tie
sipping on martinis - or a tequila sunrise
while Bad-Ass Wayne remains incarcerated - in his home
watching Jerry Springer Shows - all on his own
Yes - that's the story of Bad-Ass Wayne
and it won't be over 'til they clear his name
and ask him BACK to their part-EES
to give him back the chance he NEEDS......
to be KING
of the disco-dancing FLOOR
.....ooh yeah...


(lots of earnest emotional violins, then fade....)