It's three A.M. on a Saturday
Celebrities all shuffle out
Billy Joel's there, stinkin' boozily
Putting gloves on for driving, no doubt

He says -
"Somebody open my eyes for me,
I'm not really sure how I dozed -
They're al-ways open wide,
when I pour beer inside -
it's just when I'm driving they're closed!"


"Car, car-car, gimme car!"
"Car-car, gimme car, car-car!"

Sing him a song, he's the Collision Man!
Sing him a song, swerve right!
Well a swerve should improve your ability,
To sur-vive his free-wheelin' flight!


Now down at the tar is a center-line
It separates streets safely
But a quick Billy Joel, sees a telephone pole,
And there's no place that he'd rather be

Pole says, "Bill, I believe you are hitting me,"
As the creosote splinters explode
"Well I guess I'll be mulch for some office-park,
Now that I've been splintered by Joel."


Ohhh
"Car, car-car, gimme car!"
"Car-car, gimme car, car-car!"


Now Joel is a really great pianist
Who once had a fine model wife
But his vision is wavy, like lookin' through gravy,
And probably will be for life

And state troopers are asking for autographs
As they catch him evading a toll
Yes, they're daring to think of arresting him
But they'll never, 'cause he's Billy Joel


Sing him a song, he's the Collision Man!
Sing him a song, swerve right!
Well a swerve should improve your ability,
To move out of Billy Joel's sights!


It's a pretty big crowd on the Interstate
And the drivers all see a car fly
And they know that it's Joel, who's afraid of no pole,
And who flips the bird as he goes by

And the steering-wheel feels like a keyboard, and,
The piano-gas-pedal's right here
And he punches his speed
To a G major key
And says, "Man, what a RUL-in' Clavier!"


Ohhh
"Car, car-car, gimme car!"
"Car-car, gimme car, car-car!"

Sing him a song, he's the Collision Man!
Telephone poles he'll strike!
Well we call Billy Joel by his new name now -
"The Terror of Every Turnpike"