I am the bent retainer: a warped sadistic tool
I'm merely 'acci-dental', I mainly make you drool
My purpose is to harm you, my goal's to make you hurt:
Spend your nights awake with an oral ache
While your days are spent in embarrassment
As you dribble on your shirt...

I am the bent retainer -- I make your folks insane
They had to spend their savings, but it's money down the drain
Well, your mommy loves to live well, but your daddy's just been canned
And they'd just bought a car on their MasterCard
So their credit's tight, and their cash is light
So they bought me second-hand...

I am the bent retainer: I've thwarted lots of teens
From 'would-be' womanizers to 'won't-be' beauty queens
I'll give you more neuroses than anyone alive
For your teenage years will be filled with the fear
That this oral hex means you won't have sex
'Til you're well past thirty-five...

I am the bent retainer: a truly twisted mess
A god-dam (dental) nuisance -- a torture, more or less
You thought oral 'fix-ation' would straighten out your teeth
But you look like a geek and can't even speak:
Cause the pain in your mouth just makes you scream "Outh!"
Ath your thliced thtongue thtarths to bleeth...

I am the bent retainer: the orthodontist's joy
(Another fat consulting fee! Another yacht - "Ahoy!")
You tried to pay to fix me - but it was good cash after bad
You still look like a fool and can't go to school
Cause the teaching staff and the kids all laugh
(You can thank your mom and dad...)

I am the bent retainer, so now I've bent your ear
My plans to wreck your teen years are more than crystal clear
The moral of the story: I am just an oral curse
To save your teeth, you must dispose of me
Because if I could, I'd do more harm than good
And I'd make things even worse!