You remember poor ol’ Ernie, how he met his waterloo,
And how two-ton Ted from Teddington went off and married Sue?
Well, unbeknown to all of us, a few years earlier on,
A little lass from Leckhampton gave birth to Ernie’s son.

She’d heard about poor Ernie and the way in which he died;
“I swear I’ll get my vengeance on that baker’s man,” she cried.
For twenty years she held back tears and taught her son to be
The best refuse collector in the local UDC…

They called him Bernie…(Bernie)…
And he drove the biggest dust cart in the west.

Now Bernie and his mother thought the time had come at last
To go and find that baker and confront him with the past.
They searched the village where he lived and knocked from door to door,
And found he’d moved from twenty-two to number forty-four.

Then Bernie’s mum said “Hold it son, while we devise a plan.
The first thing we must go and do is pinch his baker’s van.”
So Bernie towed it down the road and pushed it in the river,
Then smiled and thought “That’s one round there that baker won’t deliver!”

That was Bernie…(Bernie)…
And he drove the biggest dustcart in the west.

Bern raced back to his mother who was standing by Ted’s gate,
They started shouting foul abuse, and didn’t have long to wait.
The front door slowly opened and old Ted came into view,
He looked them up and down and said “Now who the hell are you?”

“You may well ask,” said Bernie, “And now you’re going to know
That I’m the son of Ernie!” Ted staggered back, “Oh no!
I simply can’t believe it’s true. That’s rubbish!” he then said.
“No, this is!” Bern cried, tipping his load on Ted’s new flower bed.

They called him Bernie…(Bernie)…
And he drove the biggest dust cart in the west.

Ted said “Well, I’m a widower now, with nothing to my name,
Except my lovely daughter Lil,” and from the house she came.
Her hair was long, her eyes were blue, her smile was beaming bright,
And for Bern up on his dustcart he just knew ‘twas love on sight.

Their eyes were fixed together as she cried, “Please have a heart.”
Then Bernie said, “Of course I will, just jump up on the cart.”
And as they drove off hand in hand, Bern’s mum went up to Ted,
“Forget the past, let’s join them!” So the four of them were wed.

All thanks to Bernie…(Bernie)…
And he drove the biggest dust cart in the west!