Whether they're covered in zits
Or just a bit smelly
I know I can be crude
But I've got standards, and so please
Next time you set up a blind date
Because I lost another bet
I would appreciate, my friend
Someone who's not a mess

When they're scratchin' while I'm eatin'
Puts me off a bit
Wonder why I resist datin'
When the barrel's butt you're scrapin'
When sendin' ladies my way
Makes trouble for me when on dates
They're crazy or late
More trouble for me on my date

Someone who's not so pious
Tells me off for saying "jeez"
Someone who's not in the buff
'Cept for a string of beads
And I do abhor
People who fling their food around
And I'm gettin' tired
Of my dates actin' like clowns
You say that you're sorry
That you'll choose better next time
But holy crap, this hag's a nag
Not glad at all, she's shite

You're not helpin' while I'm datin'
Sendin' me these texts
Askin' "So far, how's it goin'?"
When she's on the table crowin'
Seems I'll never get a break
Ev'ry day, a new weird-ass date
Think Twilight is great?
The best that I can get on dates

Hell's
What I call it when my date has
Gone crazy, and I wish it
Didn't happen ev'ry weekend
One time, the girl had boxer shorts
Upon her head, pattern was sports
But otherwise, still had the plot
Yes, she seemed sane, used fancy words
I learned a lot that day
But then she started chasin' birds
So hard to tell what kind of gone-loco
A person is at first
Glance, a book's cover you can't judge
But ev'ry time this crap comes up
Cause ev'ry girl I date is nuts
No, not one of them is well
One girl came dressed up as a clown
Communicated with cowbells
Please be more discerning when you choose
A new blind date for me
I may be desp'rate for a partner
But no more nutballs, please
I'm sick of looks from other diners
As my date handstands and bleats
Don't mind the compliment'ry brownies
From the staff sorry for me

So I'm shruggin' as I'm waitin'
Dodgin' my date's spit
Cause she flipped and started ravin'
Cause I ordered beef, not chicken
Diners sendin' glares my way
Because of my stir-crazy date
Bet I'll have to pay
For troubles caused by my mad date

"Hey, other dinin' people?
Don't be mad
I know my date's throwing limes
At least she's not naked this time"

Well, I think my cheeks are burnin'
With embarrassment, brain's whirlin'
Why are all of my dates nuts?
This one keeps speakin' from her butt
I'm quirky myself, shouldn't mind 'em
But my standards, I stand by them
They act higher than a kite
But 'neath their noses, see no white
I wish it was just drug reactions
Have you seen their crazy actions?
Yellin' "I SEE RED AND TAN BEES!"
Surprised the rest'rants haven't banned me
Maybe my tips to their staff
Makes them more lenient to me
And all the madness from my dates
Like Anne, who tried to eat her plate
Or June, who threw her glass of gin
At herself while in the bin
All the while with a huge grin
The other diners stared in fright
As I just downed my beer and sighed

You know, I'd love to simply stay at home
And let this madness end
But you keep on messin' with my life
It drives me round the bend
I'm so tired of my dates
All setting fire to my arse
Why must you send the crazy people
Just to cure my lonely heart?
Used to sit and mope around
I had no friends, was feeling down
But after ten or so food fights
I would prefer to stay inside
How long until you will agree
That these dates won't do good for me
Cause they all lack in sanity
Oh, why can't you see
Since that girl came dressed in cheese
Can't stand the smell of that stuff, please
I cannot take it anymore
The looks I get in groc'ry stores
If you have no mad chicks in store
Then leave me be, I'll stay in doors
You wanna help me hook up and score?
YOU date me, you think of that before?

How about Thursday for lunch?