Desmond is a wanker from the British Isles
Molly is a stripper from the States
Desmond says to Molly "That's a lot of miles"
"But I'd like to think that we'll communicate"

To-may-toe, to-mah-toe say it right, Bro
I can hear you speaking wrong
Po-tate-o, po-taht-o say it right, Ho
Can't get past that accent strong

Desmond goes and buys some country-western discs
Listens to the way those Yankees sing
Takes his accent back to Molly, speaks and takes a risk
And the she tell him she don't understand a thang

To-may-toe, to-mah-toe say it right, Bro
I can hear you speaking wrong
Po-tate-o, po-taht-o say it right, Ho
Can't get past that accent strong

In a couple of weeks they have read "Pygmalion"
And a couple of hours watching the T.V.
With "My Fair Lady" on

Happy ever after they both moved to France
Everybody speaks like they are gay
Molly got a job where she can topless dance
And when she gets home doesn't have a lot to say

In a couple of years they have tossed "Pygmalion"
And a couple of hours watching the T.V.
With "Fawlty Towers" on

Happy ever after they both moved to France
Language problems don't get in the way
Desmond got a job where he can crotchless dance
And when he gets home doesn't have a lot to say

To-may-toe, to-mah-toe say it right, Bro
I can hear you speaking loud
Po-tate-o, po-taht-o say it right, Ho
Can't get past that accent proud

If you want some fun
Don't sing this stupid song!